Sitting and listening to sounds that only the country can bring, I'm reflecting on all that I have experienced and had to journey through during this break away from Zambia. While the world has been spinning around me... appointments, activities, family fun (you know, the stuff you see on Facebook)... inside myself has been another story. One that's still "in process." My mind and body had to begin processing all that the last 3 years has brought us: joy, pain, fear, accomplishment, grief, exhaustion, spiritual depletion, deep relationships, loss... And the conflicts begin to stir around. 2 worlds begin to collide. I belong to both, or do I belong to either? I shut down inside.
The reality of what I am doing sits in. Fear comes to live.
I beg at the feet of Jesus to settle my mind and heart (and maybe my hormones)... to help me see things the way HE does. It was so dark... but now I'm starting to see light... What is bringing the light? LOVE.
As I was driving down the road, a phrase of a song sticks to me "it wasn't nails that held you to the cross, it was love." Love is a powerful thing. Christ's love is even more powerful. And as I sit shortly distanced from a dark place, it is love that drives me forward. His love can heal me. His love will direct me in the days ahead. I know this because He is near to the broken hearted. And, that's me. (so there. a moment of confession)
As empty as I have found myself... I have never been empty of love. I deeply love my family, now more than ever. I deeply love all the people, in both my worlds, and that will NEVER change. Despite the hard, I will peel my heart off of this place, my family, my deep friends, my familiar... and I will place it back onto those God has blessed me with in Zambia. Just to think about both is equally painful and joyful. (the roller coaster is making me nauseous) But, those who do not love... do not hurt. And those that love deeply, hurt deeply.
Unfortunately, fortunately... I love so deeply.
And so... I spend my last 5 days in this peaceful place grieving those I will say goodbye to... the life I thought I would have... AND EQUALLY daydreaming about hugging and laughing with those I left in a place so dear to my heart... and where our life is now.
Thank you Lord, that you said the greatest of these is LOVE. Thank you for giving me the capacity to experience it... and to give it away.