Welcoming Jesus...

Thousands of years ago, the world didn't know what they were about to behold...

The shepherds were going about their business

The inn keeper was busy preparing for the many people

Bethlehem was bustling and unknowingly standing on the hours of birthing the Savior

But then... He came, and everything changed.

(this pic hangs on our fridge drawn by Ngosa in grade 5)

This year, I find myself preparing for the celebration of the first coming, with GREAT anticipation for the second coming. While in his first coming, that first Christmas... he brought us HOPE and SALVATION... and REDEMPTION. But I am longing for the moment that He comes again and makes ALL THINGS NEW... or BEAUTIFUL.

The past few months have changed me. I continue to be changed. Sara Groves says "your pain has changed me"... and yes, it's true. It's changed my view on Christmas. I celebrate deeply the coming of our LORD... BOTH the past and the future coming.

This Christmas I'm celebrating in the Hope to come...

no hungry bellies

no abusive parents

no death

no orphans

no disease

no thieves

no pain

Everything.New.

So, this Christmas... I will celebrate the gift of life He has given us in this time... and the gift of making all things new in the future.

Merry Christmas! Celebrate the Hope we have in Jesus!

Giving Thanks...

Thanksgiving... it's one of my favorite holidays. It's the beginning of the official "holiday" season. It reminds me of cool weather in Tennessee, and the best food you could imagine.

The day before Thanksgiving, I usually get a new hair cut. (Don't ask me why, it's just what I do). We usually are with family. Shane goes squirrel hunting (unsuccessfully of course), just for the memory. Me and the kids watch the Macy Day parade, and then I help my mom decorate the tree. We over indulge in all things yummy! It's super awesome!

We end the day in a huge family meal, recalling what we are thankful for and usually take a minute to remember those who are "less fortunate" as my dad says.

This year... Thanksgiving changes.

While it usually gives off this warm and fuzzy feel, this year I find myself on.my.knees. in thanksgiving.

"Father, God... You are so mighty. Thank you for being my Father. Thank you for being our provider, our comforter, our healer. Thank you for the presence of your spirit in our lives. Thank you for your calling upon our lives to change us... to change our Thanksgiving. Father, forgive me of where I do NOT thank you when I should. Forgive me of when I do not recognize the gifts you give, regardless of the packaging. Forgive me of wanting something more than what you have blessed me with. Now, Father... I pray for those who I love. Our family and friends. I pray that you would bless them with a wonderful day celebrating. I pray you would bring remembrance to their hearts for all you have done. God, we pray for those we love here... our new family. Father, I pray that you would meet their needs today. God, provide them food at home. Father, give them health. Please find a way to love each heart today. Help us to give your love so that they can indeed be thankful regardless of their circumstances. Lord, you are mighty and strong. Without you, our work is meaningless. We thank you for the ability to lift up our prayers and thanksgiving to you. Amen."

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Hurricanes...

While this last week was spent reuniting with my husband and saying goodbyes to his family... and 3 of the most amazing brothers anyone could ever ask for... We were dealing with hurricane Irene.... seeing so many trees were ripped up and torn apart... things that you thought were firmly rooted. Crazy. We certainly can choose, unlike a tree, what winds we allow to uproot us... and what winds we do not. And if I'm going to be broken... I'm praying it's from His amazing, hurricane-like love blowing all over me...
He is jealous for meloves like a hurricane I am a treebending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a suddenI am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by gloryI realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...
oh... how he loves us...
We are His portion and He is our prizeDrawn to redemption by grace in His eyesIf grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth with a sloppy wet kissAnd my heart turns violently inside of my chestI don't have time to maintain these regretsWhen I think about...
The way he loves us...

the 12th mile....

2 years ago, before my 30th birthday, I decided I would do something I've never done before. I trained and ran a half-marathon! Believe it or not, back in the day I was pretty athletic... but let's just say that part of me has come and gone. Nevertheless... 2 years ago= half-marathon.

When you are training, you never actually run the entire 13.1 miles. I ran 11 miles on my last long run before the race. I was told that the "runner's high" would have kicked in and the last 2 miles would be a cinch. a.cinch. it WAS.NOT.

Day of the race... nervous, but excited. Starting... good to go. Mile 4... too many hills. Mile 7... saw my family... awesome. Mile 10... ok... I can do this. Mile 12= DEATH. I hit quite the Wall. Was certain I might not even make it to the end. ha. kinda thought... this could be the end!

So... why recall that now? Well... I'm in the middle of my 12th mile. Shane has been gone for almost 4 weeks now. One week to go. The rush of emptying a house is over. I'm sitting here staring at a loft full of 10- half unpacked suitcases with things strung out everywhere. It's 10 pm and I still hear voices coming from the one room we are all 4 sleeping in. (yes, that feeling you are having is jealousy... don't be alarmed) I'm finishing my 27th day of bedtimes, bath times, etc... alone. While my parents are around... the kids want me. I get that. AND... We started homeschooling this week. Yes... yes we did. I know that sounds insane... but honestly we were all craving the routine... and it's helped everyone. But... this momma is tired. My mind vacillates between molasses and tornadic like conditions. If I owe you a call, an email, or a returned message... just keep trying! (OH MY WORD... I JUST REMEMBER I FORGOT TO CALL SOMEONE RIGHT BACK TONIGHT! KRISTEN PENNINGTON IM SORRY!) That wasn't for effect... that was real time there. haha.

So... thus... the 12th mile.

I'm learning what it is like to live in His grace... to extend His grace... and to run a race that's way more difficult than 13.1. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm doing it well. I want to walk in it WITH grace... shining HIS light... but some days it just feels like I'm barely putting one foot in front of the other. It's looking sloppy girls. (and a couple of boys)

Don't be too concerned... I finished that half-marathon alive... and fully expect the Lord to show off again in this one. Just know that if you see anything resembling ANY kind of sanity... goodness... etc... it certainly isn't coming from me... but HIM.

Pressing on... and honestly craving Zambia like never before. (not that I think it is going to be any easier... but living in your calling is quite joyous... and being TOGETHER certainly makes any load lighter)

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining for what lies ahead. I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Philip. 3:13-14

When you experience the Body of Christ....

So often, we hear negative things about the Church. Some words I’ve heard are: hypocritical, judgmental, self-righteous , or even self-contained or absorbed. I’m not saying that isn’t true of some people… or all of us at any given moment… Overall… there “should” be something powerful when you encounter the body of Christ at work. I find myself reflecting on the past few weeks and coming up completely overwhelmed… humbled… and in awe of how Great our God’s love is for us.

Since Shane has been in Zambia, I have seen MANY people… all from different places of worship… making up “The Body of Christ.” My burdens have been beared and shared… and WELL CARED FOR. Here’s a list of some of the things that we experienced as a family:

· *Having a friend come and finish laying flooring in our house so our renters/friends could move in to a completed house. He worked several evenings and HOURS of work…. I felt so helpless, but God allowed me to see this isn’t about ME or THEM but about all of our mutual love for HIM.

· Having friends show up to pack our bags and organize our stuff

· Friends being willing to run errands and pick things up for me.

· * Friends who come and say “I have a couple of hours, what can I do?” And they end up vacuuming our van, or CLEANING MY TOILETS!?!?!?! (You know I’m feeling really vulnerable when I let someone do that… lol)

· *Friends that will come and pick up my kids and feed them lunch, let them play, and go swimming while I clean and get things done at home.

· *Friends who check my car to make sure it’s ready for a long journey, or offer to mow my yard, or come and fix the fence and other odds and ends that need to be done.

· *Friends who bring my kids super fun, HUGE bags of individually wrapped treats for the coming airplane ride!

· Friends who just text and say “How can I pray for you today?”

· Friends who let me cry with them… and pray with me on the really hard days.

· *Friends who come and pack my vehicle like it’s a tetris game… in 107 degree heat…

· *Friends who want to know… “What can I do while you are in Zambia? For you? For the children there?” They want us to know we are not alone on this journey.

Seriously? How could you experience this, and NOT know the love that the Father has for you… to see that love for HIM is the common bond… the motivating factor… When the Body of Christ works together to love others as He loves us… it’s a powerful experience. It’s powerful to be a part of… and it’s powerful to be a recipient of it. I LOVE my Texas friends like family… thank you for being Christ to us… Looking forward to working with you in a powerful way to love on my 210 + 3. :)

(on a side note, we did make it to TN! It’s been quite the adjustment, but all is well! I do not have internet besides my phone at the house, so you can envision me sitting outside of the only McDonalds in town mooching off their wifi just to post a blog… )

Not a piece of cake...

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Let me just be honest... while it is easy to blog about the good things... funny things... exciting things... it's certainly not easy to blog about the hard things. Yet, to fantasize something is not truth, it is only a lie.
This is hard. Are we surprised or caught off guard by it? Not really... but that doesn't make it easier. While I'm fighting daily demands whining childrenpacking up a house...
He's having reality smack him in the face of how hard life in Zambia really will be: the HUGE learning curve, the endless to do list, being alone, Rats, death, etc...
And before we know it, things we thought we had given over and surrendered, we find holding once again. Fear, anxiety, desire for comfort... the list goes on and on. But, we must combat it with truth... and of course, Jesus never disappoints with His word:
"In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one. and take the helmet of salvation, and sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Eph 6:16
"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation." Is 12:2
"For nothing will be impossible with God" Luke 1:37
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Cor 12:9
"I AM A MIGHTY GOD. Nothing is too difficult for Me. I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes. Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power. Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength. What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources. When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic. Remember that I am with you. Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation. I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in my presence, trusting in My Strength."
~Jesus Calling~
(Shane... I believe this one was just for us both... I know we are well aware of our weaknesses, especially when we are apart... But we MUST rely on the TRUTH and true strength that comes only from the LORD... and He is here with us both... I love you & the man you are...)

The next 24 hours...

There really are no words to describe the emotions... You KNOW God has called you to it...After the initial hesitation and physical illness (no, really)... We're IN completely...The preparation to get to this point was really... sometimes hard, but not horrific...And you suddenly realize that you will "never be ready" for this... When you THINK your faith is strong... but then it's time to actually jump...You realize that it takes WAY MORE than what you have.
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I can't do this... alone. I'm dreading the next 24 hours, where I'll say goodbye to my best friend and husband... the leader of my family. You say "this is worth it"... but there are moments I doubt it. The dread of tears shed... by me... by my kids... by my man... ugh. 6 weeks is a L.O.N.G. time (you military wives out there, feel free to make fun... I'm a complete wimp!)
Despite all these emotions... I lift my eyes from my feet *attempting* to tread water and I look for HIS face. And there... We find our strength... JOY... and ability to look PAST the next 6 weeks and into a life God has most certainly called us to.
Please pray for us... Pray for the Mr. as he travels from here to TN... and then to Zambia on Monday.
It's then... the stories will begin. Our life in Zambia begins... NEXT WEEK!

Flashback to one year ago...

As the "end" approaches to life as we know it in Texas, I've been quite reflective. I went searching and reading through old blog posts (ah... that's the purpose of blogging...) and read our FIRST blog post on this blog... which was exactly a year ago this week. I actually Laughed Out Loud (not just saying it). Because if my life were a movie in which I had written the script for (which a. it is not and b. glad someone else is writing the story of my life)... one might think it was a foreshadowing of things to come...
"Over the past 8 months, we have been "cocooning"... even in blog world! ha! We brought E home from Ethiopia the day after Thanksgiving and put our blog to private at that time. I think there were things on my heart and mind I wasn't ready to share with the whole world. During this time, we have been refined... re-defined... and ready to re-enter the public blog world...haha!
It truly has been one of the hardest, and yet most beautiful times of our lives. God has litterally stripped us of all "assumed control" and has shown us what it is REALLY like to gravel at the feet of Jesus. He's revealed parts of our hearts we didn't want to see... and it has left us with choices to make. We simply want to "leave it all on the court" in this life... and we want to challenge others to do the same. To start this blog... I want to just copy one of my posts from this past 8 months to give you a glimpse into the McB journey...
Here's the thing... I don't know why... but God is bringing us to a place we've never been before. I don't know what that looks like or what he will do... but I'm pretty sure it's gonna look crazy to anyone who doesn't understand the WHY of what we are doing. I just don't want to live my life with regrets, or boundaries placed upon my life by ME... or Society... or anyone. I want to only accept the boundaries placed within my life by God Almighty. I really want to GIVE HIM MY ALL.... What does that look like? My time... energy... service... love... money... house... comfort... car... TV... reserve... I just want to LOVE LOVE LOVE. him... others... the people on the street we want to avoid looking at... people I disagree with... those who are hurting... those who are blind... the self-righteous... the sick... the poor... the orphan... the diseased... those without clean water... the homeless... the druggie... the prostitute... the atheist...the sex-trafficer... the victim... the offender... I really want to LOVE like Jesus. And I'm starting to think that may start to look pretty crazy... At the end... when I stand and look at Jesus...I want to know I loved with HIS power and not what "I thought I could do." Simply Love with the love of Jesus...

We are excited to start this new journey.... one of learning... stretching & growing... one of meeting the next McB... one of shedding the unnecessary. We hope you will join along...laugh at us... see the messes we make... and see the Maker redeem!"

Yeah, I had NO IDEA what God was up to in our hearts... and honestly, still don't. What I know is this: HE IS ABLE.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever." Eph 3:20-21

Truth or Die...

I'm sure you remember that infamous game we all played "back in the day"... TRUTH or DARE... It was always painful to tell the truth... but sometimes equally painful to act out a dare!
This week, I find myself in the need of TRUTH or I'm gonna DIE. Not in reality, but spiritually... emotionally... relationally.

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The father of LIES chokes out joy. He uses circumstances in our lives to attempt to gain the "high ground" of our minds.
he says "You can't do this."
BUT TRUTH SAYS:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
he says " You aren't strong enough to handle life there"
BUT TRUTH SAYS:
" Do not fear, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Is 41:10
he says " You are crazy to leave this life you have... good friends, good ministry, everything at your fingertips..."
But TRUTH SAYS:"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Mat 6:19-21
he says : "You don't know what you are doing, You can't do this job"
But TRUTH SAYS:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:10
he says "Be jealous of X, Y, Z"
But TRUTH SAYS:"And I saw that all labor and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 4:4
he says "you are going to screw up your kids"
But TRUTH SAYS:" He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge" Prv 14:26
he says "They don't love you and will forget about you once you are gone."
But TRUTH SAYS:
"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Ps 139:7-10
he says "be afraid of the darkness that awaits you..."
But TRUTH SAYS "If I say, 'surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is as light to you." Ps 139: 11-12

I'm choosing TRUTH this week... taking all those thoughts CAPTIVE and to the one who can FREE me from them! God so desires for us to be FREE... and LIVE in HIS TRUTH! Oh, but it's so hard not to swim around in the yuck... Praying we all can stand on truth when the lies come...
"But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night, He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither..." Ps 1:2-3

the gift of grace...

***Disclaimer***Can I just say that grace-giving isn't one of my strengths? I so often times find myself missing the opportunity to extend grace to others.
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about here, but if you have a newly potty trained little boy... this one will be up your alley.

Recently, E has been having... ahem... let's say "challenges" with getting to the potty fast enough. Not sure what it is with little boys, but they wait until the LAST.POSSIBLE.SECOND. to go potty. (i'm not terribly sure they outgrow this) There are days that it DRIVES ME BATTY! Afterall, "How many times do I have to say this?" or "Are you seriously doing this again?"
Yesterday, I heard a scream coming from the bathroom followed by crying... and sure enough it was E. I opened the door and he stood there... half dressed.. and soaked! The bathroom floor was a puddle. His face was covered in defeat, once again.
For some reason, I was overcome with GRACE. I closed the door, wrapped a towel around him... sat him on my lap (he's still crying pretty good here) and I grabbed his face and just said "I love you." over and over again. And in just a few seconds he stopped crying. His eyes went from fear to relief. He saw that my love had NOTHING to do with his ability to aim. ;) He grabbed my face back and said "mommy, i love you."
I could have missed that. I could have responded in harsh judgement or frustration. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't.
God used that moment to teach me about HIS GRACE. When i find myself in a mess... spirituallyemotionallyphysicallyrelationallyHe grabs me, wraps me in HIS love, and says "I LOVE YOU."
I'm so thankful he doesn't say "seriously, you are struggling with THIS again?"
When I mess up, He gently brings me back in with His grace. He brings me back to relationship with Him. His purpose for discipline is right relationship. And thus... my response to others requires the same.

Jesus and Richard Mark Lee

For those of you who don't know, our amazing church has been without a pastor for almost a year now. Recently, our church announced that the search committee had found a pastor and ultimately our church voted that this was the man to lead us... Richard Mark Lee (now referred to in this blog as RML). The buzz of excitement started around the church... and honestly in my heart!

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Here are some reasons I already love this guy and his family:

1. They're from Georgia... and while the VOLS and Bulldogs don't mix... when it comes down to it... SEC ROCKS + It's nice to hear his extreme southern accent... yes, it's different than Texan.

2. He doesn't speak to impress... He speaks to teach truth...

3. He's real... you can just tell it.

4. He's mission minded

5. And Last but not least... He CLEARLY loves orphans and children in foster care.

So... there are the reason's I'm already excited about our new pastor. However... that's not the reason I'm writing this post.

The Lesson learned from RML and Jesus...

Our church held a "meet and greet" reception with a "gift card" pounding for their family. (the whole "pounding" thing is old school, but I'm a fan of old school AND loving our pastor's family)

So... the week before, I kept thinking "Ok, this is our first impression... the gift card... what should we get? Our favorite restaurant? Go simple and do grocery gift card? Gas gift card? Ice cream? (bc it's hot as blazes here) WHAT SHOULD WE GET HIM?!?!?!"

I was out and about during this tornado in my brain and I happened to look into my purse where I saw a "used" gift card from the week before. A gentle voice came to me... "What if you gave him that? That used up gift card? That's certain to make an impression. Only, that's what you are giving me. How many times have you thought today 'Lord, WHAT SHALL I GIVE YOU TODAY?' My time? My love? My thoughts? WHAT?"

I think that so often we can get caught up in man... the impression of man... the appearance of man... to work for man... not God.

So, I had to cleanse my heart and ask God to forgive me where I have put man over God. RML is just another man.

A good man.

A good family.

But still man.

Not God.

My worship must come from a love for God. My church attendance must come from a love for my Savior. And even the love for my pastor and his family must come from an overflow of my love for my sweet Jesus.

So... while our church is celebrating this time of newness and anticipated ministry... My prayer is that our true worship is of the purest form... pointed at our Savior who so clearly blesses us, whether we have a pastor or not...

*Oh, and BTW... we went with the ice cream gift card... and the kids had cheeto hands while holding the card... not exactly the impression I was hoping for...lol

Am I really that hungry?

Mmmmm.... pizza

Chocolate ( not biased... chocolate cheesecake, chocolate candy, chocolate pie....)

chips n' dip

Pei Wei

Those are the things I LOVE to eat... I CRAVE them. I've never been terribly disciplined in my eating style. I come from a long line of Little Debbie Lovers. So much so... that yes, my MOM did run her car into a field while trying to bend down into the passengers floorboard to reach one of those delish little fudge rounds (our faves)!!! Hilarious. I come from the South, where food is just a part of culture... good pies, cookoffs, and Sunday dinners at Mamaw's. Food=Happiness where I come from.

Recently, that's not really done me so well. ha. Apparently things are slowing down and taking root in places I didn't anticipate. So, I've found myself asking God (because I can't do it without Him) to show me the things about my eating that are unpleasing. Now, I'll be the first to say that He without a DOUBT wants us to eat and enjoy! None of the things listed above are sins. That's true!

Here's what I'm learning, though. I've recently been taking this issue before the Lord, and being very disciplined and committed to a certain style of eating for a bit now. What I'm noticing is that really, I probably eat 20% because I'm actually hungry and the other 80% is for alternative reasons: to be Social, to make me "feel" happy, and out of habit (well, it's time to eat!). The idea that really, I'm not THAT hungry, crazed me out! I "THOUGHT" I was hungry... but I'm really not. hmmm... It hit deeper.

Could it be that I THINK I'm hungry for Jesus when in reality it could be mixed with ALMOST the same alternative motives that my actual eating has? Am I serving/worshiping to be social with others? Am I studying the Word because it makes me "feel" a certain way? Do I attend church because "it's that time to do it?" How much of what I do comes from PURE hunger for the Lord. Nothing else. All the other things: community, feelings of peace & joy, etc... are all BI-products of the purest form of worship:

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled." Matt 5:6

The hunger comes first... as the motive... and the filling comes from the Lord. Sometimes I just go straight for the filling...

Acceptance-with-Joy

I'm excited that the kids are finally able to sit and listen to "chapter books" with great anticipation rather than antsy movement. :) Last month I found the book "Hinds Feet on High Places" for kids. (the adult version is one of my all time favorite books) Today we read about "Through the Desert and Loneliness"... when the path your walking seems to take you so far off course from the promised destination.... can we move there with full confidence and trust in the one who leads us? When we are asked to move in a direction we don't want to... can we do it with "Acceptance-with-Joy?" Such a GREAT lesson for me today... and for my kids, too. It sparked a great conversation with my 5 year old about complaining vs. "Acceptance-with-Joy". Sometimes we call it "doing it with a happy heart." Boy... did I need that today, too. The laundry, the dishes, did I just clean the floor again?, and about the garage sale (which I put off again, yes I did), and our supporters, and how can i get it all done... starts to sound like complaining vs. "Acceptance-with-Joy." I'm gonna share a clip from the chapter today... maybe it will speak to you like it did me.

"On the last morning, Much-Afraid made a lovely discovery as she went for a walk. Behind one of the huts in the desert was an old pipe connected to a water tank. In the pipe was a tiny hole from which drops of water fell one by one. At the place where they landed was the first growing thing she had seen in the desert. It was a beautiful little golden flower. Much-Afraid knelt close to it and asked softly, "What is your name, lovely flower?" The tiny plant seemed to answer at once with a voice as golden as itself. "I am Acceptance-With-Joy."

Much-Afraid thought of the things she had seen in the pyramid: the threshing-floor, the potter's wheel, and the fiery furnace. The worlds of the little golden flower echoed in her mind and she said to herself, "I too want to be Acceptance-With-Joy. Whatever He lets me go through, I want to trust Him and allow Him to have His way with my life. And I want to do it with Joy in my heart."

Here's to hoping that in this day... whatever tasks He brings our way, that our names become "Acceptance-With-Joy."

"Deny Yourself"...

Let me start by saying... wow... conviction. One thing that I love about our sweet Lord is that if we ask Him to show us our sin, He will... because He wants to be glorified in us through the brightest of lights. He desires to purify us. And sometimes it just stinks.

It's easy for me to say "Lord, I am denying myself... I'm moving to Africa, and if that isn't self denial I don't know what is." *conviction #1 & #2: Self righteousness and Pride

Here's what the verse says: "Then He said to them all, if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23 (and if you really want the punch go to v. 24)

Over the last few years, denying my "big picture plan" for life has become a "no brainer." Yes, I clearly trust Him to plan out our steps as a family... what we are to do "big picture"... I finally got so exhausted in trying to hold on to that one that it is one area I will GLADLY and JOYFULLY deny myself. Not my plans... but HIS.

However, recently, I've been convicted that it isn't "just" about the "Big Picture" denying of self... but it's the "DAILY" part I'm most guilty of overlooking. Recently, as I've begun a period of time of "intentional self-denial", I had this thought... "When was the last time I denied myself ANYTHING that I wanted during the day, that I had regular access to?" eeek. I want to run out to wal-mart... I go. I want to go to the pool... I go. I want to make brownies (and eat them)... i do(as many as I want). I want to hop on facebook... I do. You get the point. Sometimes those things become a replacement for my true need= Jesus. If you are going to follow Jesus, you can't reserve the right to enjoy the things that grieve Him.

Here's the misconception about self-denial: "If I deny myself I will be miserable." To deny yourself means that, through an act of love, you surrender your right to do what you want rather than what He wants.What I've found to be true is in the verse 24... to loose your life is truly to GAIN it! Does it make sense to me? NO! But I see that in the "denying" of our family plans and the accepting of His... there is the deepest joy! And I know I will see that even deeper as He shows me things He wants me to "let go of" on a daily basis and allow space for Him to occupy. I'm learning there is a fine line between enjoyment and idolatry.... (maybe it's just my own weakness...give me an inch I take a mile!... or better yet, give me a brownie and I take the whole pan... or give me a diet coke and I take a 2 liter...)

Lord,

Thank you for never leaving us as we are. Thank you for showing us areas of our life that we aren't depending on you to meet our needs, but other things to meet our self-indulgences. Show us a deeper way to live... a more joyful way to live... help us to loose the things in our life that are unpleasing to you so that we may truly live in you! Amen...