Living in the Mess

For those of you who know us, you probably think we've been accustomed to living in a "mess" for a long time.  It seems since we left our corporate jobs 4 years ago, things have always had a flair of messy to it.  But for those of you who have set foot onto Zambian soil, you have a little glimpse into our lives... the demands, the never-ending need, and the unpredictable situations that often determine your day. 
The unique challenge that we have is our house location is right in the middle of endless opportunity for ministry. We are only a half mile from say... Sweet T's house, and about 10 others. We are right on the edge of the compound, so we are accessible when need arrises.  Now, I personally love that.  I don't want to be so far removed that we can't fully be a part of their lives.  However, it has certainly presented its challenges.  
There really could be several blog posts stem from this one... "Marrying Compassion and Empowerment in Ministry"... "Setting Healthy boundaries in Missions"... "Motherhood and Missions= a place for both"... I could go on and on! 
I'm not going to elaborate here... maybe someday. But here are some of the things we are doing to attempt to live in the mess well... not withdraw from it. 
1.  Boundaries: The Mr. and I have to consistently judge and share with each other on how we are doing in setting appropriate boundaries that a. protect our time with the Lord b. Protect our time with each other c. Protect our time with our children. *That our first job is to protect our marriage and our children* 
2. Having set Family Days:  We struggle more with this, but we have Tuesdays and Thursday evenings set aside as ONLY family. During the holiday and with teams, it's kinda hard to preserve that, but we do our best to call it later in the week if it gets missed. 
3.  Having Rules about when the farm house is "Open for visitors" and when it isn't. And holding the kids to some clear rules when they are here. 
4. For me, to realize that God's gifted me a certain way, and that isn't a mistake, but a blessing.  He's equipped me to do certain parts of this ministry, not all of it. I could elaborate, and will, on how this has impacted the way I function as a wife, mom, and someone in missions.  
5.  We can't do it all.  We are not the solution to these people's problems.  Jesus is.  We can only do what He has called us to.  Jesus didn't heal everyone, although he had the power to do so.  Which means God must give us wisdom in how to move and act each day. 
These are the areas that are necessary for living in a place where those you love bring their heartache, their baggage, etc. to your doorstep.  Honestly, it is a daily struggle to continue to keep these boundaries and order in place.  You can pray for us in these areas so that we are able to Live well in the mess.  

Inviting in brokenness...

Brokenness... it's becoming a friend I can embrace. Sometimes my heart wants to just cry to Jesus "NO MORE BROKENNESS!"
I read a blog post here, and my favorite part of the post says this:
"When we love people, we invite their brokenness and mess into our lives. Mess is inconvenient; it takes our time, energy, and sometimes money to make it better. Despite our efforts, the mess can not be fully containted. It spills over and touches the people who dare to stand near."
That concept can seem so scary. To knowingly invite in brokenness. Isn't that completely against what we've been taught? Everything we do... from Kindergarten upwards... is to ensure you have a "comfortable"... "presentable" life.
Be well educated= go to college= get a good job with lotsa $$$Surround yourself with good upstanding people = so other's don't pull you down*certainly don't go to that side of town* etc...
It's true... "when we LOVE". Well, there it is. Do we really love?
We've found ourselves in the midst of many, many children that we love. And therefore, their mess has come our way. Some messes are:*kids showing up after being chased... and staying for a bit.* Dealing with issues like: pornography, jealousy, and someone said "hyper individualism", poverty mindset, abusive parents, hunger, abandonment, etc. *Crying for and with a mother whose 7 month old baby died of a preventable disease.
Just yesterday, we dropped a sick baby off at the clinic and my 4 year old said "Mom, why do they not go to our doctor?" (we attend the best doctor in town... it's expensive even for us... talk about a life lesson at the age of 4.)
It's kinda messy. It's inconvenient, and it certainly take energy! Often times Satan wants us to believe that it's not worth it... or we aren't making a bit of difference because these issues listed aren't resolving. The mess will never be contained this side of heaven. And their brokenness becomes yours if you dare to stand near.
Now... this isn't something that only Africa provides an opportunity for. Brokenness is everywhere. Are you daring to stand near?
(next post will be Living in the Mess... something we are trying to learn!)

Less?

Often times, I hear others voices inside my head (no, I'm not talking mental health issues, don't pull out the DSM IV)... who sometimes try to convince me that Africa is somehow offering Less to my children than they deserve...need...or whatever...

If Africa is less... then less is more in my book...

Holy Week + Real Life

Today, Maundy Thursday, of our Holy Week... The reflection of the KING as servant. And the anticipation of the worlds greatest need met. And yet, creation continues to groan for the return of our great King.
Today started out with great pain here on the farm. I have the privilege of seeing some amazing women work hard for their families each day, as our home is located smack dab in the middle of Lifesong's Strawberry Farm. When we first moved... I met a young woman with a 2 week old baby tied to her back! She was working in the fields. I grew to enjoy seeing the baby, and sometimes holding it and making her laugh (or scaring her with my white skin...haha) The baby has been sick off and on. Even last week she came to our home at lunch asking for some food for the baby. Just last night, her baby met Jesus. Everyone on the farm is grieving. Not just for the loss of a sweet life here, but for S... her mother. You see, S's husband died 2 months before the baby was born. So in the last year, she has lost her husband and her baby girl.
And creation groans.
We continued on with our end of term awards and party. Here is what I saw:
#1 student in grade 1: Searching for a parent to get his award, fighting back tears... alone.
2 boys close to my heart asking "who will get my certificate with me?"
The rawness of orphan life. Those who are "vulnerable" are the blessed ones today. Because today I saw children SEARCHING for someone to share in their achievement, someone to applaud them, someone to walk with them to get their awards. So, today... I was the "stand in" mom.
And while that is ok... creation groans.
I saw young men who live on campus, being abandoned by their families, receive awards... yet their distant relatives will come quickly to collect the awards with "pride" despite not seeing, visiting, nor caring for these children on a monthly basis... much less a daily one.
And creation groans.
I saw a boy who had been abandoned at a young age, finally achieve the #1 spot in his class... and with tears in his eyes... he proudly accepted the award with his elderly grandmother.
Now.. that... That is my SUNDAY!
While there is so much brokenness around us... as we groan through the "passion"... we must find the resurrection in this life... the new life He has given us... the HOPE for the next life to come. Redemption is here.

When the streets find your home...

(Ok, before I get to this serious post... Is it REALLY MARCH 20 and I'm JUST NOW posting my first post in MARCH?!?!?! Maybe I could blame the 30 member vision team that came, or KGs 4th bought of malaria, or E's stomach virus, or Zack's finger infection, or us being extremely short staffed, or KG's allergic reaction, or what I'm about to write about... But I'd just be lying. I'm a blog neglector... it's true. forgive me.)
Last Friday evening, I found myself opening the door to something pretty special.
I opened the door and am certain the look on my face was one of confusion. (they try to train you in grad school to control your facial expressions, but I'm certain I failed at that moment.) Some of the kids who were hanging out at our house came carrying big bags full of stuff and saying "they've come to stay with you." WHO? And around the corner crept 4 teenage boys with sheepish grins on their faces... like "hey... uh... haha... kinda need a place to live right now." There wasn't a moment of consultation, Shane and I both grabbed their bags and welcomed them in.
This is where the streets found our home.

You see, these boys aren't just "any" boys. They used to live on the streets... not just for a day or two, but for YEARS they lived on the streets. Some had abusive homes that drove them to the streets. Some had families force them to live on the streets and beg. Some had no family at all. Either way, they all had one thing in common... life on the streets. This life consisted of abuse, sometimes drugs, and a true "survival of the fittest" mentality.
BUT God had a plan for their lives. About 3-4 years ago, they were rescued from the streets. They were trained in structure, and given the nurture of Jesus Christ.
But this day, they faced the choice of living in a situation that wasn't healthy for them, or going to the streets. They desired to leave, and were told to go.
And they came to us.
There was no way that our spirit would let them go back to that life on the street, not even for one day.
Yes, you may think we are crazy... careless... or thoughtless. But if you were in my house this weekend, I can promise you a few things:
1. If you didn't know they had lived on the streets, you would have NEVER known. (actually, I'd be honored if someone tried to give me credit for raising these boys)
2. You would have been amazed at the work ethic and respect that NATURALLY flowed from them... truly the fruits of the Spirit flowed out of them.
3. You would have laughed your head off.
4. You would have had the opportunity to have conversations with them about how hard, yet worth it, making life change really is.
5. You would have seen them truly enjoy being around our kids, and you would have seen our kids enjoy having 4 big brothers around the house.
6. Your pantry would be empty.
7. You would see them for who they are... P is the clown, JR is the "tough guy", F is the smarty pants, and E is the super sweet, try really really hard kind of guy.
8. You would see brotherhood at its finest. They keep each other in line, and hold each other to a high standard.
And my favorite memory of the weekend was this:
We went to a pizza joint that we frequent. Our family is there often, and it happens to be where many of the street kids are... begging for food. We've tried to build a relationship with some of the boys there. They know that they can "watch" our car, and we give them dinner. It's our deal. Even our kids give them the food, we aren't afraid... and they've never tried to be rough to them. (now, each other... that's another story) So... here we are... our "family" for the weekend... 4 FORMER street boys. We eat until our bellies are going to explode. We had an entire pizza left (because we really have NO IDEA how many pizza's 4 teenage boys can eat). Before we even mentioned giving it... the boys looked through the iron bars that separated us from the streets... and saw them. I believe they saw what COULD HAVE BEEN in their own lives. They said "can we give it to them?" And of course, we said yes. They each took some food over and gave it to the street boys. (I could have fallen in the floor crying if it wouldn't cause a scene.) I saw the street boys looking as we were eating. They know our boys. Maybe they lived together on the streets. They see the life change. And I believe they want it to. That's the power of the Gospel. What you see in E, P, JR, and F... it's simply the power of JESUS CHRIST in their lives. They will say it themselves. They know truth. And now, they are living it out...
We are thankful that God reunified them with the people who have walked with them through their journey of change. They are in a great place. The best place for them.
I, however, will always treasure conversations that were had... and I am so terribly grateful we were able to be the safety net... and in turn start a wonderful relationship with 4 of the most amazing young men.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and the new has come." 2 Cor 5:17

Never before seen footage...

Sometimes life goes by too fast, and I never get to post things I want to... Here's to some very random, somewhat funny, never before seen footage...

Note to self: ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOUR CAMERA IS.

White sheep of the family... ;)

Yep... I own a Chitange (cha-tan-gay) I am THAT missionary. No.. I'm not... I promise NOT to wear it in the US when speaking. haha.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that and all)

Z's artwork coming right along... It's baby Jesus and the 3 wise men.

(oh, 4 wise men... maybe it's a shepard?)

Never underestimate the power of boys in the kitchen...

Love that my kids can go hang out in the "not so nice places" and think it's cool.

Yep, that's Impala hinds (booty) in the fridge.

Sweetness I don't want to forget.

Who needs to see a giraffe when you have a tongue like that?

Our Thanksgiving Day surprise...

Need to laugh? Call up this kid...

And you thought your school cafeteria was bad... ;)

The many shoes found outside our house on any give Sunday afternoon...

I don't know where they get that...

wings like Eagles...

Well, I'm starting to realize I probably shouldn't post a post like the last one and wait too long for a follow up post.

The last post was a reflection of the pull our family had been feeling for the first few months. However, while we were in the "heat" of that, I didn't even have the ability to put it to words. Once we started being more proactive, it provided enough space for me to verbalize where we had been the past few months during our adjustment. (not that our adjustment is over... I've been told by a friend here the first 3 years are trial and error...)

Right now, we are moving through the "valley" onto "higher ground". We feel ourselves getting stronger. We see that our family is our most valuable ministry tool. We are gaining wisdom to know when to say No and when to say Yes. And even then, we still won't do it perfectly.

In the meantime, we have restored our home as a place for our family. We've found a balance that works for us in work, LS kids, and our family. We believe that it is Biblical.

I simply didn't want to leave you in the messy part. While the mess will still exist... because living here just requires the ability to live in the unpredictable... We wanted to give God credit for sorting through our stuffs (that's the way Zambians say stuff) and giving us the strength we need to make changes that are necessary. (because emotionally it isn't easy)

That's real time. Right now we are feeling your prayers and are grateful. We feel like our family is hitting a routine: working at the school, homeschooling, time as a family, time as extended family (253+), etc. We are feeling refreshed (for the most part) and have finally found our pace. Just pray we can maintain it through the many needs and things that are life here on a daily basis.

We love each of you and please know we have the most joyous life here...

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

ps... Pray for KG, she has malaria for the 3rd time already. The rains are heavy and the mosquitos are horrible. She seems much better this morning.

Messy Missions...

(I've been trying to write this blog post for a week now. I'm having a little writers block because my processing of everything around me is going a little numb. ha. This may be heavier than you want, and sometimes I read it and think someone with schizophrenia must have written it because it's all over the place, but hey... enjoy the tornado...)

You know, before we moved to Zambia, we thought we "had it all together" when it came to orphan ministry. After all, we were working for one of the largest mission sending organizations in the world... and were marinated in the American world of "orphan care." So... surely, we should have a little heads up, right?

This reminds me of college. I spent a total of 6 years in school after high school. After I received my Master's in Clinical Social Work... surely THEN I would be prepared for the job, right? (please catch the sarcasm). I remember spending my first year, with a full caseload of over 150 mentally ill clients thinking "What in the world am I doing?" After 7 years of working in the mental health profession, I realized all I DIDNT know... and learned a few things along the way. So... yes... this is pretty much the same thing.

You can spend months training, reading, speaking to others, seeking support (all of which are very worthwhile and lifesavers) But NOTHING prepares you for life on the field, except that... life on the field. What was "best practice" in America looking into the field has now become very blurry. The ideas... and the practical execution... 2 different things.

So... wow. Here we are.

Words to describe our first 4 months:

emotionally overwhelming: both good and bad

learning boundaries

heartbreaking

little family time

full of vision

heartbreaking

and last but not least...

LIFECHANGING

Don't get me wrong... This isn't meant to be negative AT ALL. When I think about our first 4 months, I think it is a mixture of the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow. It's simply amazing how the two mix.

But I say this because I've been asked privately "how are you all REALLY doing?" The truth is that it's all a little messy right now. What's the right balance between family life and missions? How do you set boundaries, and what are they to be? What's the balance between giving your life away and destroying it all in the same token. Of course, we all have our AMERICAN ideals as to what the answers are... but ultimately, lived out... it's a lot messier than that.

Balancing this....

and this...

with this...

Your idea of how family should look is built upon culture.

Your idea of how family should function is built on culture.

Your idea of how much family time... or even the concept of "family time" is cultural.

Is it necessary to remain healthy? Yes... but ultimately the Bible must be our source.

To say this... we've felt swallowed whole by need. EVERYONE has needs around us. And we are learning that just because we COULD meet the need, doesn't mean we always SHOULD. We are learning. Of course, it's easy to apply that to adults. Try applying that to children. That's the blurry part.

When I look at the life of Christ, ultimately, he gave his life away. And we are trying to do the same, while still very much loving each other in the meantime.

The past few months have been difficult for us, the learning curve is HUGE, (and honestly, if you've never lived in a a foreign country for a long period of time, you can't understand) and we are praying for grace to be extended to us... grace for us to give each other in our marriage... grace to give to our children and them to us... grace from our many employees at our home and school... grace from our fellow teammates... grace from our supporters at home... grace from our families in the US... lots and lots of grace. We aren't going to do this perfectly, but God will give us the grace and strength we need to do it the best we can. The truth is, our family will never look like it did when we lived in America... and I'm grateful for that.

Besides, I don't want to live the kind of life that I could do on my own... "apart from me, you can do nothing."

If there were no Lifesong...

We are just completing our (the McBs) 1st end of year break. It was one month. Some would think that with school being out, things would be easier here... a little slower. We've found this to be the opposite. I've found myself over the last month consistently concerned about our Lifesong children while on "holiday."

I have seen some in the streets, at the market... and they look different. They look tired, hungry, and more dirty than usual. Especially the younger ones. One of Z's good friends at school, Dennis, came to visit a couple of days. He reeked of urine, as his clothes hadn't been washed in days. He was hungry, but so happy to be in our home. Dennis is the #1 student in his class.

Clement, a 14 year old with major hearing impairment (anyone out there know someone who could hook us up with a cochlear implant?) had malaria and was hospitalized over the break.

(Clement is the 2nd from the left in the white shirt)

Richard, a young man who lives with his older sister... yet she's been gone for a month, has been able to work on the farm to help him buy food during this "holiday" break.

During this break, one of our brightest students showed up at our home after being beaten by his step-father. He now lives on campus with our foster family and is learning what it is like to be in a good family.

If there were no Lifesong...

Many children wouldn't eat

Some children would die from malaria and other diseases because of no medical care

children would remain in abusive and neglectful environments

and there would be many of our caregivers without a way to earn a living.

During this break, I was able to see what their life would be like if they were not given the opportunity to go to school. It means more than education... for some, it means life.

So grateful I get to be a part of making a difference... and for those of you partnering with us, you can rest assured you are joining us in making a difference too.

Welcoming Jesus...

Thousands of years ago, the world didn't know what they were about to behold...

The shepherds were going about their business

The inn keeper was busy preparing for the many people

Bethlehem was bustling and unknowingly standing on the hours of birthing the Savior

But then... He came, and everything changed.

(this pic hangs on our fridge drawn by Ngosa in grade 5)

This year, I find myself preparing for the celebration of the first coming, with GREAT anticipation for the second coming. While in his first coming, that first Christmas... he brought us HOPE and SALVATION... and REDEMPTION. But I am longing for the moment that He comes again and makes ALL THINGS NEW... or BEAUTIFUL.

The past few months have changed me. I continue to be changed. Sara Groves says "your pain has changed me"... and yes, it's true. It's changed my view on Christmas. I celebrate deeply the coming of our LORD... BOTH the past and the future coming.

This Christmas I'm celebrating in the Hope to come...

no hungry bellies

no abusive parents

no death

no orphans

no disease

no thieves

no pain

Everything.New.

So, this Christmas... I will celebrate the gift of life He has given us in this time... and the gift of making all things new in the future.

Merry Christmas! Celebrate the Hope we have in Jesus!

No escape...

I remember having the luxury of "forgetting" or "escaping" every once in a while, the need or the plight of the orphan. We've been involved in this "line of work" for a while now, and I remember "taking a break" from it. Or... coming home at night, flipping on the TV, visiting friends, or life OUTSIDE of "work."

Now, Life is work... ministry.

There's no escaping.

When you wake, you are preparing yourself for the day of needs.

When you go about your day, you are emotionally/physically/spiritually available for those with needs.

When you are at home, they are there too.

When you eat your dinner, you are wondering if they have food.

When you lay your head down at night, you are praying for safety for those you love... The ones you love who live so vastly different than you.

There's no "only need on that side of town" kind of option. It is everywhere.

Even when you "get away for a couple of hours"... maybe to town, or to a park... they come too... in your heart and mind. There is no escape. Once you know them, love them, feed them, and become like a mother to them... there is no escape.

I'm grateful. While it is one of the heaviest burdens I've ever had to bare, I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to see Jesus work in their lives, and in mine, each and every day. I'm grateful that I don't have to go far to live out the gospel. That I can choose to see Jesus in a real and new way. And I'm sure He is capable of carrying not only me, and my heavy burdens for the many children I love... but He is carrying them too.

"The Lord is near to all who call on Him..." Ps 145: 14-18

The faces I live with...

*here is my disclaimer... I never intended to be a horrific blogger. I thought I would blog all the time here... afterall, I do have quite the stories to tell. However, fighting the unpredictable power, lightening strikes taking out internet, flooding in the house, balanced delicately with a very full schedule of responsibilities, blogging has proven to be difficult. :/

These are some of the faces I live with. We so often find ourselves looking at pictures, but don't fully know the child behind them.

I can say, knowing makes it all the more beautiful and painful. I never knew that the two could mix so amazingly strong... but I'm finding the true beauty of contrast: light and darkness... joy and sorrow... rejoicing and suffering.