Adoption ... redefined...

Adoption... it's such a buzz word these days. What I find kinda humorous is that people in Zambia have NO IDEA that there are so many Americans wanting to adopt. It's kinda strange to step out of one culture (the adoption/orphan care world) and step into another culture (one ravished with disease, poverty, and many orphans). It's like one world was made to penetrate the other, only the need is so deep and so wide, that it never fully will.

I used to think that Adoption was something that was concrete, set in stone, legal.... acknowledge by the governments. But what I'm finding is that adoption can be different than that, especially in this culture... actually is just what's in your heart... how it overflows from love of the father onto children around you in need. It's CHOOSING, TAKING IN, ACCEPTING, MAKING

ONE's OWN.

While many... no most... maybe none... of these children will ever be a McB on paper... I'm certain that they will feel CHOSEN, TAKEN IN, ACCEPTED, AND part of US... OUR FAMILY. There surely is power in that... and it sounds like adoption... with a different face.

1. To take into one's family through legal means and raise as one's own child. 2. a. To take and follow (a course of action, for example) by choice or assent: adopt a new technique. b. To take up and make one's own: adopt a new idea. 3. To take on or assume: adopted an air of importance. 4. To vote to accept: adopt a resolution. 5. To choose as standard or required in a course: adopt a new line of English textbooks.

A twist on birth order...

This post should be proof that my mind is ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE. ;)

The other day, my mom and I were talking about all the many transitions the kids are going through... and while there is certainly some "kick back" from each of them in their own way, ultimately they are doing amazing under the circumstances. This conversation led into how hard transitions can be, etc.

This reflection upon our adoption transition period somehow moved to birth order issues. If you are a prospective adoptive parent, or an adoptive parent... guaranteed it is something that you have thought about. Some say you should "NEVER" break birth order... some say you shouldn't think twice about it. I fall somewhere in the middle... just so ya know. I think a family must consider and weigh all factors very carefully. It's been a topic around our house for a bit, because we have moved from the "we would never break birth order" camp to the "under the right circumstances I would do it without doubt" camp. Neither here nor there... but that's been the conversation.

The twist is this... what I realized while recounting with my mom is that I never thought about how breaking the birth order of the child being adopted should require the same attention. While I noticed certain behaviors, I didn't necessarily attribute it to "birth order" per say. While E had no bio siblings... He was the oldest in the orphanage... in the area that he spent almost all his time in. He then came into our family as the youngest. This was a tough transition for him. He was used to calling the shots... being the leader... and then we had 2 dominant children stacked right on top of him. It was tough. I probably didn't give it much thought at the time, but now it is something I'm certainly thinking about.

So often times we think about "OUR" situation... "OUR" current family... and how "WE" will be impacted by the change, when it comes to breaking birth order. However, it's probably wise for us to really consider both sides of the coin on this one. For some reason, once I had that thought, I was able to muster up more compassion for the things that drive me crazy about the behaviors related to this. It's not only hard to have your world change, but to change your position in the world is tough, too. And anything to help us become more aware and emotionally available for our kiddos, the better. Just something to think about.

This random thought brought to you by...

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Twas the Night before...

2 Years ago today... We saw THIS sweet face for the first time...


In less than 3 hours... the Mr. will be boarding a plane to take him to THIS place...

Kinda glad God doesn't give us a flash forward of our lives... we'd never believe it if we saw it in advance!!
(for those who have emailed and left messages... thanks. We are doing pretty good. Of course, 2 days down... 37 to go! ask me again in about 20 days.)

Our Story...

Our story... wow. So much to say. Where to start? How do we even adequately express all that God has done in our lives? The redemption, the stretching, the beauty from our messes, the so many blessings, the stripping of control, the journey we never thought we'd do... wow.
Here's just a small glimpse of "us" and "our story" ... at least from the past few months... This will be added to the "Our Story" section soon.


***A HUGE shout out to Corey Lamb and the communications team at our church for putting this together as part of our send off. YOU.ARE.AWESOME. ***

What the "Gottcha Day" video didn't tell you...

You know this... we've seen a ton of videos that bring us to tears... it shows a waiting family, a waiting child, and the glorious day where they "instantly" become a family... in love. The video ends with hugs and smiles. We are hooked, and some are convinced this represents the adoption journey. (here me out here, i'm certainly NOT anti-video... we have one, and I believe it is a BEAUTIFUL picture of the gospel... of a family's start of a story... and it certainly SHOULD be celebrated!)
What I've found, though, over the past couple of years is that adoption is so easily fantasized. I was guilty of it, despite my walking with many families through it as a social worker. We want to think "that's not going to happen to me" or "because I'm adopting an infant it will be easy."
I've worked with families recently who have said "Wow, I didn't know it was hard." And some even consider walking away from a child.
So... Here's 10 things that OUR video... nor anyone else's I've seen... doesn't tell you:
1. You might not feel the way you expect when you get "The Call." While I've been madly in love with E from the beginning, when I saw his picture I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed with emotion. I knew he was the son God had for us. But ultimately I was in love with the possibility of being in love with him.
2. While you are all excited and counting down the days until you meet your child, they basically have no idea about you (unless they are older). They are just living life until one day this strange couple shows up and starts snotting all over them.
3. They might not like you at first... and you might not like them. Check out the first pic we have of E as he is laying eyes on us... yes, it is SCREAMING that he is in complete love with us... LOL. It also took us almost 2 hours before we could pick him up. We didn't take him with us the first day, because we felt it was too difficult for him. Slow and steady... and it was miserable for us, but in the end it was the right thing for him. And there were times in the first 6-9 months that frustration was the overriding emotion.

4. Your children will grieve. They will be sad to leave whatever environment they were in. They've built relationships, bonds, and routine that will be missed.
5. Because of this grief, they may not want you to hold them... they may actually hit, kick, scream or bite at you. Luckily for me, E took that out on his siblings at first. We went from 99.9% happy to 99.9% conflict when E came home. Happy to report, we are back to approximately 94.3% happy. Pretty darn good.
6. Regardless of age... YOU and YOUR CHILD might be EXHAUSTED due to little sleep, sleep disturbances, etc.
7. There's no guarentee for a happy ending.
8. It takes a LOT of work... and you may find yourself locked in the bathroom crying. (and I ain't talking about the happy tears, either)
9. There will be days you say "did I just ruin our lives?" (the answer is no)
10. The most tender, sweet moments that occur make the videos look stoic in comparison. I look back at our video now and think... wow... we were just getting started. We are MADLY in love now in comparison. It's kinda like marriage, with age it just gets sweeter. (I didn't necessarily say easier)
So hear me on this... adoption is without a doubt one of the most beautiful and amazing journeys of our lives. I'm blessed to say that with E, many of the difficulties disappeared within the first year of being home. I just think so often times we get caught up in the emotion, and sick of the wait... when we could be using that time to spiritually prepare, and educate ourselves for the journey ahead. I also don't want any families out there to think they are weird because they didn't "feel" the way they thought initially. Of course, there are families who would say they didn't struggle with ANY of these things, but I would venture to say that is the EXCEPTION to the rule.



My prayer for my family, and for yours, is that we love our children the way they are... that our relationship with them will help them and us become more fully the person God created us to be... and that regardless of how hard the road may be ahead, we know God has called us to walk it.

water for a dry land...

While our life has certainly been all things Zambia the past few months, Ethiopia certainly holds a very close part of our hearts as a family. I so often pray for E's birthmother, that if she is still alive, she can sense God's presence. You might think this weird, but I actually pray that God would be with her and let her know that E is doing alright... to give her some sense of peace.
As I'm getting ready to go stuff my face, enjoy food and fireworks... and when it's hot, I'm gonna get a nice cold drink... THIS article came across my attention.

Particularly this part:
"In Ethiopia, the estimated number of people in need of emergency food and non-food assistance was revised upwards from 2.8 million to 3.2 million. Nearly two thirds of the requirements were in the southern Somali and Oromia regions as well as in the Southern Nations, Nationalities and People’s Region, where shortages of water and food were recorded. Cereal prices there have continued to rise, with inflation rates close to 30 percent recorded in April. "

You see, E is from the SNNPR. He has family there. And things are bad.I can't continue on about my nice holiday weekend without stopping to pray for the other part of our family that is in Ethiopia. I'm praying that God would quench their hunger and thirst, even without food and water... He could do that. Won't you pray with me for this crisis?
"He turned the dessert into pools of water and the parched ground into springs of water." Psalms 107:35

Sweet reminders...

One of the things I love most about being a mom is just talking with my kids. I love to hear their questions and what's on their mind. Often that comes out in form of a song, or some other theatrical move... but today, it was just nothing but, well, sweet.
On the way home from church today, Z says "Mom, baby sister is asleep right now." I said, "Yes, baby, I bet she is." I then reminded them that we do not know WHEN God will bless us with a baby sister (or brother for that matter)... (for those of you who don't know, we withdrew from an Ethiopian adoption as God made it clear Zambia was in our future... you can click here to read that ).
Z then said "Mom, I'm afraid." I of course inquired, and Z said "I'm afraid she won't make it. I'm afraid a snake is going to get her before we can bring her home." *sigh* (compliments of the venom extractors we bought??)
I tried my best to assure him that God has this whole thing rigged. That God knows exactly who will be a part of our family, and who won't. That HE knows her name... where she is... and that He cares for her just like a Father.
He then said "Ok, well... I want a brother too, and actually, all the kids in Africa that don't have mommies and daddies." I chuckled and said, "Well, I guess we will need a bigger house for that!" Z said "Yes, and another van."
source
There is so much I love about that conversation. Not only is God showing me the heart HE has given our oldest son for the fatherless, but He is reminding me that HE has not forgotten about the desires of my heart.
HE will not waste an experience
HE will not waste this time of waiting and uncertainty
HE will not forget HIS children
And certainly...
HE is the one who builds a family.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Prov 16:9


*today and tomorrow are the LAST days to be entered into the GIVEAWAY!*

Regression... coming right up!

*** Giveaway Details are HERE***

Today I wanted to write about something I don't write as much about as of late... but our current season has certainly demanded it.

For many of you, you are unaware of the transition struggles that we had as a family for at least the first 6 months after bringing E home. Our blog went private for almost a year afterwards. It was a sweet time, and a hard time. All day today I've found myself wanting to reflect back... maybe because currently some things feel the way they did then.

Maybe because I know some of you are in the heat of things right now...

Maybe to just remind myself, and you... that this will get better and that there is so much hope for our sweet and amazingly strong children...

I have to confess the thoughts that I've had JUST TODAY... Today, as I saw KG and E running down the hallway holding hands and laughing together I thought "wow, we have come SO FAR from where we started. " I never thought I'd see the day. For the first 6 months after bringing E home I cried at night truly believing I had "ruined KGs life." So for all the moms out there who are newly home (especially with a toddler)... hang in there. It takes a LOT of intentionality, but it gets SO MUCH BETTER!!

Sleep... Oh Sleep. UGH. Our largest issue... which resolved at about 9 months home. However... recently... it has snuck back up... looking different, but I've seen that face before. I am fully aware, and expecting, regression to come our way.

We are moving.

Our environment is changing in a major way at home.

We have sold a ton of things.

And all the talk about "Africa" has E's ears perked. He is WELL AWARE of what is going on Insecurity starts to creep in... and OH REGRESSION.

Just tonight, I laid E down and snuggled up with him. He stared me in the eyes and rubbed my face... we just shared sweet words and hugs and kisses. My thought was "wow... I'm so in love." 30 minutes later I'm ready to "hurt somebody" (figure of speech of course)... He's not wanting to stay in his "sleeping area"... He's crying at everything... total breakdown in communication and security. UGH. "ARE WE HERE AGAIN?!?!?!" I try to pull out my KP (Karyn Purvis) moves... and I try to elicit what little compassion I have left and recognize that he is going through a lot... we all are... and I pray for patience. He's now sleeping soundly in his room. I'm reminding myself a 40 minute episode is NOTHING compared to the 3-4 hours it used to take to get him to sleep when we were first home. And to beat that, this hasn't happened in a LONG time...

In all of the mess (and it's a mild mess in comparison), I'm reminding myself to keep focus... be less motivated through my own emotional reaction and more motivated by grace.

I'm reminding myself to be less occupied by my to do list and more occupied with being present for my kids.

I'm reminding myself to balance my structure with nurture... and do all I can to give them a positive and low stress environment... (which means I have to talk to Jesus A LOT during the day!)

Ultimately, I'm falling at Jesus' feet and asking HIM to minister to the hearts of my children beyond what I can see...

In all reality, they are doing UNBELIEVABLY well with all the transitions. We knew this transition would be tough on everyone, especially E. But all in all, even he is handling it like a CHAMP! Afterall, sleeping on an air mattress is good cause for sleep disturbances, right? ;)

It's just a good reminder that we are never really "finished" or "settled"... i suppose that's why they call it a journey...

Post #6: Mix of current day + another amazing God thing...

Currently, we want to let everyone know where we are in our process for AJ...

We have revisited this subject more than a million times over the last couple of months. Without a doubt, this has been the most heartbreaking aspect of our decision to move to Zambia. (sorry mom, I'll miss you, I swear). The thought of walking away from the adoption was SO HARD. We prayed, cried, grieved, and even asked God to "leave us alone" and let us stay on the course we were one before February 11th. We wrestled with the decision, and begged God to make it clear that this is what HE was asking us to do. And, of course, you are about to read how He did just that within DAYS of our begging. I have always prided myself (first mistake) of saying "I'm allowing God to build my family, one child at a time... from whatever place." He convicted me that in this process... I was holding out tightly... and NOT allowing Him to do HIS work. "Do you trust me enough to let go?" "Do you trust me enough to believe I want to bless your family with more children through adoption?" "Will you hold onto how I've revealed myself to you even in the absolute hardest circumstance?" Yes. Yes I will. BUT NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT! ha. I grieved terribly. Call me crazy, but I love this little girl in Ethiopia... although I do not know her. I have prayed for her. I envisioned her sleeping beside me. And now... will it ever happen? But in Zambia, He showed me that I do not "need" adoption to allow my heart to love like a mother. I fell in love... and I will love them like I would love my own. And, when God chooses, He will add to our family. So, in February... we went on "hold" and 2 weeks ago, we officially withdrew from the Ethiopia program. Any money that we get back from our adoption will be given to our church to help with their adoption grant fund they are starting. Our adoption story isn't over... it is just becoming more unpredictable than ever... I can honestly say my heart is at peace... as He has done amazing things... read about it yourself...

"So, tonight as I was doing the dishes, He gently reminded me of a provision yesterday that I had completely overlooked. I received an email from a girl that I had met briefly a few weeks ago... but we had no contact info for each other. The girl had gotten my email address inadvertenly from our caseworker (we have the same adoption agency) who put her in contact with us because of our pursuit of the adoption of a child with HIV (when we went on "the list" we were the only family pursuing HIV adoption specifically). She and her husband are, too, pursuing the same type of adoption with our agency. It is NO coincidence that they are requesting a child with the same parameters as ours. God has provided another family for the little girl that I thought was mine. They will be ready to BRING HER HOME, while we end up GOING to beautiful children of Zambia... and possibly to where my future children are. I do not know what God has planned, but what I know is that He has provided ultimate peace... a family for the child I thought would be ours, and the peace to move into a life I could have never dreamed of just 3 weeks ago.

The thought of this answered prayer is really unbelievably overwhelming. I have begged God to show me that "this is OK." I feel so grieved about this, but yet have peace. I can't believe that God cares SO MUCH about me... about my heart, that He wanted me to see that there is another family... and I trust HE is raising up many families for children living with HIV. If you want to know more about that... just let me know, and I can hook you up with some pretty amazing people!!"

The TRUTH about our adoption... Post #5

We must be completely transparent at this point, only because we feel it is significant to our story at this point. While some of you know, because it wasn't a secret, many of you do not, because it wasn't necessary for you to know... God had moved in our hearts when starting our first adoption (with E)... as we went through the infamous "check list" of things we will "accept" and "not accept"... what a heavy, heavy task. I was sitting on an airplane. We first, without thought, went through that checklist with our flesh. Then, God said "YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING NO TO"... specifically when we came to HIV. So, Ok, I can at least educate myself on an issue that I don't have to bring into my home. cool. Sure, God, I'll educate myself on what I'm saying No to. cool.

The next few months we spent reading... I remember when I read "HIV is easier to treat than diabetes in children." WHAT? surely not! I remember reading things like "they can live a normal life expectancy with the medication." WHAT? "There is no known transmission of the disease within normal household environments." WHAT? "It can actually become undetectable in the system, they can grow up and get married and have children." WHAT? and, that truly it is a matter of medication availability and diet that determines if a child with HIV will live or die. In addition, YOU can't pick them out.. nor can I. We also read Red Letters by Tom Davis. We were ruined... gloriously, for the sake of children, specifically orphans, living with HIV around the world. So, maybe to your surprise, over the last 2 years we have prepared ourselves, our home, and our family for the welcoming home of a child... our sweet AJ... who would be HIV +. We didn't want it any other way... God had given us that passion and desire. We WANTED her. and we still do. Only, now, we don't know when that will be and... there will be many of them who I will love as I would love her. Living among the children deeply in need. In Zambia, 1 in 5 children have been infected HIV/AIDS, and 10% of the population are orphans...largely due to the HIV/AIDS crisis. Zambia has one of the highest HIV rates in all of Africa between 15-20%. God was preparing us, educating us, and removing fear and replacing it with passion for a group of people largely ignored by the church. We thought it was for our one, but now we see it was for loving many.

Don't be scared, "Know what you don't know now" ... God truly spoke to my heart to be educated. YOU can be educated, too. It is FAR different than you think. Now, while I really can't speak about who God will set into my family at this point, nor if they will be + or not... know that We as a family will live among and hopefully with those living and fighting a disease that doesn't HAVE to take their life. It doesn't have to take their mommy or daddy. It doesn't have to take their little child. Educate yourselves... and maybe even consider checking the "yes" box on that checklist if you are in the adoption process.

Some of our favorite resources on HIV/AIDS:

Project Hopeful

From HIV to Home

Positively Orphaned

Sweet Friends... The Mayernicks

*Next post will be current time about our adoption process and hopefully answer some of your questions...

Forever Family... One Year ago...

One year ago... We were getting ready to meet you for the first time.
One year ago... We were wondering how you would react... how you would feel... would you be scared?
One year ago... We were changed forever. Blessed beyond imagination.
One year ago... We touched you for the first time.
One year ago... We fell in love with you.
One year ago... We held you for the first time... and haven't let go since.

Our first year is behind us! We can't believe how much we have ALL changed. It was a sleepless 4 months, lots of trying to understand each other, and lots of tears... both ways. At the same time... there was always love... for you... and we saw you loving on us too... But now... there is a beautiful dance starting. We know you, you know us. The fear is starting to disappear. Your personality BLOWS US AWAY. You are quite possibly the cutest jokester on the planet. You are SO SMART! You are talking so much! There are so many times that I can't believe you haven't ALWAYS been here. You are one of the three musketeers, and you are awesome! There are so many things you love... and you are SO HAPPY! We love every part of you. Happy forever family day, EHM!

Love mommy and daddy...


* This is the first post ever of our video. We hope you enjoy it. It is truly perfect as we understand more fully OUR spiritual adoption through the physical adoption of E. Through adoption, we ALL were given the chance to "feel like I"m born again." WE are the ones who have received the BIGGEST GIFT. We are the ones who have ultimately been saved... from our self-centered world... from a life full of ourselves and our own "wants" ... and have been given the ability to give... to love... and in turn receive love from one of the most amazing boys that walks this earth! I'm so grateful I'm chosen to be E's mommy!

Oh Attachment!

This week I have the privildge of attending the TBRI (Trust Based Relationship Intervention) Training at TCU with Dr. Karyn Purvis and her collegues. Today was my second day, and it is amazing! Yesterday I was so exhausted I could barely hold my head up when I got home! I really can't put into words all that I am learning, and re-learning. What I can say is that I am so passionate about helping families walk the adoption journey well, and I am excited to see what comes out of this experience. If nothing else, it is without a doubt helping our family function at a better, more secure, and nurturing place. I find it a breath of fresh air to balance nurture and structure instead of getting caught up in the tug of war of power struggles and feeling like "I have to win!"

However, my most memorable part of today was when Dr. Purvis discussed Attachment. It is completely fascinating to learn more about how Adult Attachment impacts Child Attachment. I was able to have the AAI (Adult Attachment Interview) as part of our pre-training for this week. Dr. Purvis says that "We cannnot lead a child where we have not gone ourselves." The meaning behind that is that we as parents and providers can't lead children to healing if we are not healed. The AAI measures your Adult Attachment style, giving greater insight into how your attachment style as an adult impacts your childs attachment style.

Did you know that in adoptive families, there is an abnormally large amount of parents that are Avoidant or Entangled, and only a small % are actually secure? I find this very interesting. Dr. Purvis says "Your attachment style has nothing to do with being a good or loving person, but it has to do with if your heart is available to connect with your child in a way that brings healing." WOW. ok. So, we need to be mindful of this! I must admit that I was SWEATING IT on getting my results back, assured I was at best a real mess! ha! The results were better that expected, so I was pleasantly surprised! It must have been the years of internal therapy with myself! ha!

I wanted to share with you all 2 videos that we watched today that just moved me deeply. The impact we as parents have can NOT be undermined, or forgotten. It MATTERS if we are present with our children and emotionally available for them! It has an IMPACT on who they are if we do not respond or take their needs seriously. We watched one video called crybaby, that shows a child's needs being completely ignored and basically taunted. Many find it "cute" or "funny" or even "spoiled"... but ultimately, the child is acting this way because he NEEDS something, and whatever that is... it is being completely ignored. The second video I found completely moving me to tears... because I know that attachment dance with my children... the one that brings mutual respect, fun, joy, and obedience! That's the way God intended us to be! Enjoy the videos... and sorry this is so "clinical" but I have to process somewhere!

Crybaby - Awesome video clips here

Coolest Dog in the World
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.