Saturday, October 19, 2013

What Morningside taught me

Well, I have to say that while I’m beyond thrilled to be leaving the hospital tomorrow and going home the following day… I sit here in the silence feeling a bit nostalgic. 

Yes, this week started super scary and chaotic… but I found myself in a place abnormal from my usual life: quiet… alone… with my biggest decision being “what should I eat for dinner?”  I have to admit, it’s been kinda nice.  Despite the emotional baggage I’ve been working through with Jesus about this stay… there are so many things I don’t want to forget. 
For the first time in a LONG time, I spent 6 days alone with my firstborn.  The first 4 days internet and phone was scarce, so we were forced to find things to do.  Some of my favorite things have been:

*bringing the paper dot game back to life

*watching zack watch TV, because we only had one set of earphones most of the week.

*eating chocolate muffins with him. J (yeah, that wasn’t on my diet)

*reading together snuggled up in bed

*working together on ipad games to make it through the levels of “jellies” and “water something or another”

*talking quietly about the day as we turned out the lights and just lay in the quietness.

*laughing uncontrollably at ourselves, and how bad we really stink at some of these games.

*reflecting together on how Jesus is indeed with us.

*the big stuffed dog (I’m gonna regret that when we get to the airport)

*washing our clothes in the bathtub with body soap (it can work peeps)

*our great nursing staff: Lucia, Esther, and Candace.  Personality galore.

*oh… and of course… the daily selfies…

Usually I am running around with so many things on my mind, but I was able to be truly and fully present, and for that I’m so thankful.  So many times we moms are carrying way too much… and it robs us of our joy of motherhood.  Guilty as charged.  But I'm
 thankful for the time to reflect and take note that there must be a different way… not all the time, but sometimes… the crazy ball must stop rolling and you gotta just enjoy and love on each other well… without anything else pressing in.
So… I’m grateful for sickness this week.  Grateful for the hidden blessings in something that doesn’t make sense to us sometimes. 
Tomorrow… guaranteed I’ll be soaking it in… because on Monday, the noise begins.  


Saturday, October 5, 2013

Some people never learn...

Yes, I'm one of those... one of those kids who "had to be told 100 times"... one who always went the way I was told not to... I'm just not made to color in the lines. :) 

There are some good things to that... If I didn't think a bit outside of the norm... I wouldn't be able to see God for how BIG He is... and how there's so much more to Him than I can ever even fathom! He's OUTSIDE the box, too... 

But the downfall of this is that "i never learn."  I just came across this post written in 2010... the title of it grabbed me because well, that pretty much wraps it up right now... "the limits of poor, weak, dust"

So, in honor of myself for never learning... and the possibility that I'm not alone in that... enjoy reading from 2010... maybe you've come further than I have! ;)  


Thursday, October 3, 2013

"Where are you?"

"Oh, God, Where are you?"  ... Those were the words that were ringing (and still are) in my ears as I attempted to drive home M, a mother whose baby had just died.  The wailing and mourning can't even be recognized by anyone unless they have walked that path before. The crying out to God in desperation and question...even now... continues.


One month ago, the grandchild to one of our staff members... niece to 2 of our students... was badly burned.  Sadly, this is a common accident since cooking is done on an open fire, and there are so many boiling pots at a baby's eye level.  Shane took them to our clinic, one of the best in town.  She was there for some time... and we were able to visit... take food... a little toy... and pray for them.  

Things seemed to be going along well, and she was discharged. 

2 Weeks ago, I took the mother and baby (2 years) for review.  The feedback was positive, from the best I could get. 

Last week, I received a call that the baby was very sick and needed to be rushed to the clinic.  I dropped everything, and was accompanied by one of our students.  Hospitalization seemed to be a certainty... so I left them as the nurse was taking them back to the ward... so I could get food for the family and baby for the night and next day. When I returned, they said they were not being admitted.  Ultimately, they were not able to identify any problems.  There I sat... with a Doctor... making a decision I will always wonder "Why didn't God give me superior wisdom in that moment to just push for hospitalization?"  

"My ways are not your ways, and my thoughts are not your thoughts" 

The next morning I took them back in because she wasn't better.  2 days later, the baby died.  Sepsis and severe anemia.  

"But WHY didn't they see that before, WHY didn't I know?" 

"in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me"

I found myself pulling up to the empty hospital.  Empty... except for a mother and grandmother broken for their little B... they lost their "GIFT." 

As I was helping sweet Grace carry her daughter to the car... the weight of M. fell on me... the sadness, the confusion, the brokenness. 

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted...."

The raw and expressed emotions in the van almost drove me to the breaking point.  I sat there driving, feeling like the grand canyon separated me from her... I don't know suffering as she has known it.  And yet, God could allow me to know it all too quickly.  

We came to the house... and difficult doesn't begin to describe it.  Just 2 years ago, I sat in this same room... meeting one of our students brother who was paralyzed.  1 year ago, I sat in the exact same room, as he had died.  And this day... I am here again... in the VERY same room, with the same family... grieving together once again.  Surely, Lord, this is enough.  

"Where, God, Where are you?"  

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  
Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night. EVEN THE DARKNESS IS NOT DARK TO YOU; THE NIGHT IS BRIGHT AS THE DAY, FOR DARKNESS IS AS LIGHT TO YOU." Ps. 139

The next day, I found myself in church, surrounded by people who know suffering beyond what I know... and we sang "Oh, my God is good... yeah-yeah... my God is good. Everything is double double...." 
I could barely get the words out.  The truth is that HE IS GOOD.  This is the deepest element of faith.  No, it's not logical... but God is bigger than logic.  No, it seems unfair.  But we can't know the future... nor can we see things the way He sees them.  I can hurt.  I can question.  But I will not doubt... for I know, My God is Good.  He is sovereign. He is all-knowing.  And... He is holding little B right now... fully healed.