Monday, November 10, 2014

When the Tooth Fairy doesn't come...

I'm sad,  mommy"... were the words I woke up to this morning.  "Why?" I asked in a foggy daze at 5:15 a m.  "Because the tooth fairy didn't come."  

Heart sinks.

Epic Fail. 

Chalk another one up for me and it's only 5:15 am. 

"How did I forget?"  

"What kind of mother am I?"

"My parents never forgot."

And the guilt cycle begins before the rooster crows and the day begins.  If you're a mom, you know the cycle... that deeply felt searing guilt.  right?  

For me, as any mom, the guilts and failure stack pretty high.  

I've robbed the kids from their grandparents

They are missing out on so many traditional "American" things

My light skinned blondies are going to get skin cancer in this African Sun

I never got around to.... doing that craft... giving out the ice cream.... reading that book (the list is endless)

They have to share me with so many other kids

I couldn't cut it homeschooling and doing ministry

and now... THE TOOTH FAIRY DIDN'T COME!!!

What's next?  "The Christmas Santa forgot?"

As moms, we all beat ourselves up over so many things.  I only listed about 1/1000 of the guilts and failures I have... pertaining to 3/5 of my kids.  2/5 have a list all to themselves which is probably much longer and more complicated... 

So often times I just think... "Why me?"  Why did God choose me for this job?  Why did He plop me in the middle of Africa when I was already in over my head as a mom in my own culture, with things I was comfortable and familiar with?  Then... HOW am I going to do this well?  How do I erase the memory "the tooth fairy forgot me" ... and all the other times I fail.  

So, it's true... in our weakness HE is made perfect.  In every failure, there is an opportunity to point to one who never fails.  In our second guessing, we can cling to his sovereignty.  

So, today... it's 6:15 am... and I will get up... "shake it off" in the wise words of Taylor Swift... fill myself with his TRUTHS... and pray for the ability to SEE opportunities to love my kids well and let God's grace cover all the past failures... and many failures to come.  
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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

What it feels like...

What does it feel like to sentence someone to death?  While I'm certainly not 100% certain... I feel like today, I did just that.  Not necessarily a literal death, but hope died today in my office for one young man.  

  He's one of the most intelligent, charismatic, beautiful young men that has ever set foot on our campus.  This young man... I've been walking with him for 3 years. We've walked through major abuse, removal, reunification, pornography, lying, stealing, and now even more difficult things that not only effect him, but innocent people, too.  We've done counseling... time away... controlled environment... mercy... discipline... only to find a heart that has hardened by life's hurts.  

What I wouldn't give to go back 10 years... hold him when he was young... feed him when his mother was too sick to do it... nurture him when his father died.  correct him when he came home late, or was choosing bad friends... sing over him songs of love... tell him that Jesus loves him... and that he is certainly special because he was GOOD.  

His burdens of life have become too much.  Addictions in place of self control, deception in place of honesty... but even now... I'm still holding on to the truth that Jesus can.  

Jesus can change a man.  I need a Saul to Paul experience with this one.  

While it looks as if I have given up, be assured, I have not.  It is sometimes in life's greatest disappointments, trials, or disciplines that true change can occur.  It isn't one I like to hand out, but when all other options have been through... again and again and again... one has to stop sewing seed on the rock. 

As I saw him walk out of our office... I could barely stand it.  I felt like the father to the prodigal son... no... the mother.  Painful.  Hoping one day, we will see him again in a better condition.  The reality is, however, unless something changes... he is walking out to a very long road... where education will be difficult to find, jobs impossible, food will be rare.  

I can't stand it.  I feel like I have sentenced him to a hopeless life.  I held his mother's hand... and we cried together... recounting how many times we've begged him to do the right things... no remorse... no promise of change. Hope died for her today.  Hopes she had for her son's life.  No one wants to be the mother to Saul... Judas... Samson... but the truth is... it could be any one of us.  

So today is a sad day for me.  One of our firstborn children has left our program heading into a life that isn't promising of hope apart from Jesus.  I can't stand it.  I also can't rescue him. I've tried. I've failed. But Jesus... 

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with CHRIST..." Eph 2: 4-5
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Sunday, August 3, 2014

What love looks like...

Home again... the early morning chatter on the farm before harvest, the smell of laundry from outside, the dust settling on every square inch of me, and oh the children.  Yesterday someone said "the mother of the village must be home because there were very few children here and now, they are everywhere."  Mother of the Village.  I'm not sure about that title... but I certainly know it takes a village.  

While all these things are the beauty that settle around me... nothing compares to yesterday.  One of my bigs has proven to have such deep love for his birth family.  We always know it is there. We encourage it, and quite frankly, love them a lot as well. (seriously, his grandmother is one of my favorite people I've met here) 

Unprompted, on our time away, he thoughtfully gathered gifts for each one of his family members, especially the children.  "will this fit?" He would ask.  Thought.  Time.  His own money.  

Yesterday was the delivery.  He has never forgotten them.  He carries his birth family with him through life. I can see this.  He carefully bagged each bag for each family member. I could see the anticipation and excitement building.  

He was gone for maybe 2 hours.  Upon his return, he had some cousins with him, which he had never invited over.  We welcomed them, and said they were welcome in.  He showed them his home... taught them how to play games, and laughed and laughed.  They are the ones he grew up with.  The ones before us.  They are his family. 

Afterwards, he and I were able to talk a bit about his visit.  I could see that the burden of their need weighs so heavily upon him. There were things that were unsettling to him, where he coached even older family members to be more responsible and mature.  He said "how can you not help?"  That is love.  That's the love that makes someone come outside of themselves... their own selfishness... and give.  "You can give without love, but cannot love without giving" a pastor recently told me.  

To see my son, who once felt he had nothing to give... give in such a generous way... without being prompted or guided... is amazing.  

It's what love looks like... 


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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Ebola...

I believe that so  many people have been reading about the recent outbreak of Ebola in West Africa, and the sadness of lives taken from this disease.  My heart is breaking for so many... especially fellow missionaries who are serving in Sierra Leone that we know and love so much, along with Lifesong Liberia.  They are currently packing up and evacuating their home and ministry until it is safe for them to return.  I can't imagine what they are going through and the thoughts and emotions they are experiencing.  To have the luxury of leaving alone... can make you feel guilt ridden and broken.  To be uncertain of if the faces and people you have served with... cried with... laughed with... will be there upon your return... unimaginable.  The children...the widows...the ministry leaders... 
The love that Christ gives them to love is truly unconditional, deep, and real.  
Please pray for the people of West Africa, and for the health care workers who are literally putting their lives at risk each day... some even loosing their lives to save others. 
The suffering is real... the people are real... this is impacting people we love dearly.  Please pray with us.  Pray for a SUPERNATURAL healing and eradication of this disease.  Pray God sized stories are formed and that HE alone would be glorified even in suffering.  
I can't imagine leaving the children I LOVE like my own under these circumstances.  Pray for Tom and Becky who serve and are sent from our church body.  Pray for Lifesong Liberia and the children there that we serve.  
p.s.  People have asked about us and Ebola.  There are no reported cases in our area of Africa.  We are literally 3,000 miles from this disease... that's the distance from New York to California.  

Please Stop and Pray. 
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Friday, July 25, 2014

the greatest of these... LOVE

Sitting and listening to sounds that only the country can bring, I'm reflecting on all that I have experienced and had to journey through during this break away from Zambia.  While the world has been spinning around me... appointments, activities, family fun (you know, the stuff you see on Facebook)... inside myself has been another story.  One that's still "in process."  My mind and body had to begin processing all that the last 3 years has brought us: joy,  pain, fear, accomplishment, grief, exhaustion, spiritual depletion, deep relationships, loss... And the conflicts begin to stir around.  2 worlds begin to collide.  I belong to both, or do I belong to either?  I shut down inside. 
The reality of what I am doing sits in.  Fear comes to live. 
I beg at the feet of Jesus to settle my mind and heart (and maybe my hormones)... to help me see things the way HE does.  It was so dark... but now I'm starting to see light... What is bringing the light?   LOVE. 
As I was driving down the road, a phrase of a song sticks to me "it wasn't nails that held you to the cross, it was love."  Love is a powerful thing.  Christ's love is even more powerful.  And as I sit shortly distanced from a dark place, it is love that drives me forward.  His love can heal me.  His love will direct me in the days ahead.  I know this because He is near to the broken hearted. And, that's me. (so there. a moment of confession) 
As empty as I have found myself... I have never been empty of love. I deeply love my family, now more than ever.  I deeply love all the people, in both my worlds, and that will NEVER change. Despite the hard, I will peel my heart off of this place, my family, my deep friends, my familiar... and I will place it back onto those God has blessed me with in Zambia.  Just to think about both is equally painful and joyful.  (the roller coaster is making me nauseous) But, those who do not love... do not hurt.  And those that love deeply, hurt deeply.  

Unfortunately, fortunately... I love so deeply. 
And so... I spend my last 5 days in this peaceful place grieving those I will say goodbye to... the life I thought I would have... AND EQUALLY daydreaming about hugging and laughing with those I left in a place so dear to my heart... and where our life is now. 

Thank you Lord, that you said the greatest of these is LOVE.  Thank you for giving me the capacity to experience it... and to give it away. 


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Friday, May 23, 2014

A message to Christian Girls... and their moms...


First, let me start by saying this... I was young once (longer ago than I wish to say).... and unfortunately I  probably was guilty of the very thing I'm writing about.  So... don't hear judgement in my voice.  Hear my "I wish I knew then what I know now" voice. i would have tried harder to help the boys around me have pure thoughts rather than worrying about being noticed. 
Luckily, some things we don't have to learn on our own, we can learn from those who have walked before us... and change the way we are going now. 

I think maybe being in Zambia has RE-SENSITIZED me to many things about American Culture. Also, as I have become a mother to 4 boys... I'm also acutely aware of things... especially girls. 

Girls, if you are claiming the name of Jesus.  Walk it. Walk it in your clothes.  Walk it in your words. Walk it in your private conversations and chats. Walk it in what you post on Facebook.  Walk it on your iPod.  Walk it on the photos you take. Just walk it out. 

If you aren't a boy, aren't married to a boy, or a mother of a boy... You do not fully understand the power you have over them.  I understand the boost you get when boys notice you.  But if you believe in Jesus... you must fully understand that there is only 1 pursuer in life that makes us whole... 

You are beautiful, and so is modesty.  I'm not just talking about clothes... but it's a good place to start. I'm not saying throw on the long jean skirt with keds and a turtle neck. You can be stylish and cute... and still honor yourself and God. I think you know where the line is. Modesty comes in your words and photos, too.  We know what is flirtatious.  We know what takes a boys mind "there." So, please, help them to think in a right way.  The things you do might make them think about you in a wrong way for a moment... but if you walk with them in a modest and right way... they will ALWAYS remember you for that. It is a battle for them that YOU should care about. Because whether you like it or not, you are involved.

Moms... modesty has to be taught and modeled by you.  It isn't something this culture teaches or values.  Saying "no" is good for our kids sometimes. Saying, "yeah, I need to check your iPod, Facebook, messages, photos"... that's ok. They need guidance to find "right"... it's not in our nature. Just as much as you wouldn't want my boy going up and grabbing your daughter inappropriately, I don't want your daughter flaunting her cute, overexposed body flashing in my boys eyes. 

And one more thing... I've learned that boys truly find purity a complete attraction.  Many don't want a girl who has tinkered around with others.  So much so, I've seen them actually fret about if their future wife will make good choices RIGHT NOW.  And my boys aren't geeks.  Their handsome, athletic, smart, funny, learning to follow-Jesus kind of boys. So girls... you know right... follow it.  There's nothing more beautiful than the glow of Jesus on you... nothing!




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Thursday, May 8, 2014

God's little adventure...


So often times, life for us… and everyone… gets bogged (is that a real word?) down with things.  Some things are emotion/time worthy things… a lot is not.  But in this process we forget that God is the greatest adventurer.  He’s always inviting His children on a great adventure.  “Come. Follow me.”  To where? To the places where one can experience Him firsthand!  Just like the disciples, He is inviting us into a life filled with adventure.  He doesn’t want us to come to the end of our lives only knowing Jesus through someone else’s accounts of Him.  He invites us to KNOW Him through our own accounts, too.

Why am I saying this?  Well, recently we went on a little adventure.  This adventure began with a cool, yet tame, idea.  Then, my heart sister, Leslie… took it deeper, because God has blessed her with a sense of life and adventure.  (You know the type… she brings life and fun to all around… she reminds us Moms that life is about more than the daily tasks)

Interlude:
Leslie gets me.  She’s walked the same dusty roads, held the same heartbroken people, laughed together as we muddle through the unknown, and sat in the same still, quiet, dark nights with candles . We’ve shared the adventures together.  Some have been more than one heart can take.  And the adventure becomes so overwhelming… some days you forget that God is just good.  For no reason. Good.

So, about this adventure… We wanted to surprise our 2 big boys, specifically Paul, with a trip to see his favorite actor, Dule Hill, perform on Broadway.  So, we start planning and counting $...  Kinda ridiculous.  Soon, the idea seemed to be drifting away by the reality of … well. Reality.   How could we afford this trip to NYC… with plane tickets, Broadway tickets, AND hotel? (food?  Not concerned, I can eat junk with the best of them… imagine chips for dinner before a fancy night on the town!)
But the dream of my kids seeing him… I couldn’t let that memory go.  Now, on the other end, Leslie had emailed Dule’s agent and they had started talking.  Soon, it was set! We were going to MEET HIM after the show! “WHAT?” (in my best psych Gus voice) Not only that… but He and his agent gave us 2 free tickets because they wanted all 4 of us to come… not just sending the boys with Leslie! 
Now the pressure was on! How could we say NO??  So… we said YES!  AND THEN… Came the free airline tickets… AND the Free hotel!  WHAT?  I’m gonna eat dinner afterall!

Seriously… God wants us to say YES!  (no I’m not talking about blindly hopping into something that will financially sink yourself) He wants us to say Yes.. get in the boat.  I want to bless you.  And sometimes, His adventures… are just for our “filling up.”  Nothing else. Often times, some of us believe He is only in the adventure that leads to the bedside of the suffering.  But that’s not true.  In our tenacious desire to bless our children… God turned around and blessed us…  And No, it doesn’t always work out that way.  And no, God doesn’t want us spending our lives on our own selfish adventures… But sometimes… yes! Yes… He wants us to remember that He’s just good.  For no exchange. That He wants to renew our joy, our sense of security in Him, our sense of “I can do this life, and it’s worth doing!”  I didn’t find that on the streets of NYC or in Dule Hill’s dressing room (although that was really cool)… but through God’s total surprising me… while I was planning the surprise! Isn’t that cool of Him?  It’s just a love note… a… “I’m with you” kind of message. And, to be honest, I needed that.

And the trip was amazing.  We met Dule Hill.  Hung out with him in his dressing room for about 25 mintues.  Chatted about “what’s next” in his life,  Psych, and a little about Zambia. Met his brother… gave him a birthday cupcake and a card… You know… the things “friends” do.  Ha.  He was gracious to my children.  He was kind and interested. 






  And the smiles on their faces were priceless to me.  And I think the joy in my heart… was priceless to my Heavenly Father… who showered us with such an incredible adventure.



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