The process of Untangling....

 It's been 7 weeks since I left part of myself in Zambia.  7 weeks.  Yet it feels like a lifetime ago.  
I feel like theres so much to share and yet I simply can't yet... stories of laughter, tears, where God showed up in big ways.  Things that right now are just held deeply in my heart in a secret place. 
Right before we left Zambia, our boarding students and staff gave us an unbelievable amazing party.  And at this party, we had a volleyball tournament, because we used to play a LOT of volleyball.  
During this great and intense tournament (because, in case you didn't know, I'm super competitive and have no mercy.  Ok actually I usually get my face smashed, but I feel like I'm Kerri Walsh Jennings) .... ok back to the tournament... After the McB family beat the kids (I told you no mercy) Then we proceeded to the staff.  Shane and I went up for a block at the same time (which is a site within itself) and He came down with his big ole shoe on my toenail... the edge of it just right.  BOOM! Horrific pain ran up my leg and as I looked down my big toenail had been popped completely off from the root.  woah.  SUB! 
As I sat with this thing soaking in water, and the pain shooting up... God was just like "this... this is what your heart looks like and feels like right now.  Your toe is a visible picture of your emotional pain.  And this will hurt.  And it will take a LONG time to heal.  Actually, it might not ever look the same again.  And that's ok."  
And there it was, a message in my pain.  
7 weeks later... when my grace starts to run out... When I feel like "why can't I get myself together?"  ...when I feel like I've totally lost myself and have no idea what I'm doing here... 
I look at my toe.  And I laugh.  And cry.  And add a lot of grace to my life and to the life of my family.  
Because my toe still looks kinda yucky.  Thus, it is my measure.  It's ok that I still feel and look a little yucky too.  Because it hasn't been long enough to heal.  
The other day I noticed that theres a nail starting to grow, and I had hope.  Hope that something new is growing in the life of our family.  Hope that God is going to do something NEW in us.   And it will all take time.  
Honestly, I start and end my day with thoughts of Zambia.   I drive down the smoothly paved roads craving for a pothole.  I look around wanting to find people walking or standing on the side of the road... or the smell of exhaust and dust mixed while the wind blows through my hair.  And let's not even start how I long to be there for the children who call me mom.  
I am fully in the process of Untangling grief.  And there are good days, and bad days.  Our family is walking through this together with laughs and tears and memories and uncertainty... 
" He is before all things...And by Him all things Hold together...." Col. 1:17