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A message to Christian Girls... and their moms...
First, let me start by saying this... I was young once (longer ago than I wish to say).... and unfortunately I probably was guilty of the very thing I'm writing about. So... don't hear judgement in my voice. Hear my "I wish I knew then what I know now" voice. i would have tried harder to help the boys around me have pure thoughts rather than worrying about being noticed.
Luckily, some things we don't have to learn on our own, we can learn from those who have walked before us... and change the way we are going now.
I think maybe being in Zambia has RE-SENSITIZED me to many things about American Culture. Also, as I have become a mother to 4 boys... I'm also acutely aware of things... especially girls.
Girls, if you are claiming the name of Jesus. Walk it. Walk it in your clothes. Walk it in your words. Walk it in your private conversations and chats. Walk it in what you post on Facebook. Walk it on your iPod. Walk it on the photos you take. Just walk it out.
If you aren't a boy, aren't married to a boy, or a mother of a boy... You do not fully understand the power you have over them. I understand the boost you get when boys notice you. But if you believe in Jesus... you must fully understand that there is only 1 pursuer in life that makes us whole...
You are beautiful, and so is modesty. I'm not just talking about clothes... but it's a good place to start. I'm not saying throw on the long jean skirt with keds and a turtle neck. You can be stylish and cute... and still honor yourself and God. I think you know where the line is. Modesty comes in your words and photos, too. We know what is flirtatious. We know what takes a boys mind "there." So, please, help them to think in a right way. The things you do might make them think about you in a wrong way for a moment... but if you walk with them in a modest and right way... they will ALWAYS remember you for that. It is a battle for them that YOU should care about. Because whether you like it or not, you are involved.
Moms... modesty has to be taught and modeled by you. It isn't something this culture teaches or values. Saying "no" is good for our kids sometimes. Saying, "yeah, I need to check your iPod, Facebook, messages, photos"... that's ok. They need guidance to find "right"... it's not in our nature. Just as much as you wouldn't want my boy going up and grabbing your daughter inappropriately, I don't want your daughter flaunting her cute, overexposed body flashing in my boys eyes.
And one more thing... I've learned that boys truly find purity a complete attraction. Many don't want a girl who has tinkered around with others. So much so, I've seen them actually fret about if their future wife will make good choices RIGHT NOW. And my boys aren't geeks. Their handsome, athletic, smart, funny, learning to follow-Jesus kind of boys. So girls... you know right... follow it. There's nothing more beautiful than the glow of Jesus on you... nothing!
I am a mom of four boys and I really appreciate what you have said and how you have said it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJust as much as you wouldn't want my boy going up and grabbing your daughter inappropriately, I don't want your daughter flaunting her cute, overexposed body flashing in my boys eyes.
ReplyDelete- You're kidding right?
Your son grabbing my daughter is not the same as my daughter "flaunting her body".
Do you think girls bodies are inherently sexual and boys are not?
Do you think girls are solely responsible for their thoughts and actions? And girls are also responsible for boys thoughts and actions?
We are made in God's image, male and female. How about you train your boys to view females that way?
When I was young, I took it upon myself to NEVER tempt another brother into sin. My shorts never went above my knees, I never wore my one piece suit without a shirt and shorts/skirt over it, no low cut shirts or low-riding pants. “Modest is Hottest” was my slogan of choice.
ReplyDeleteAt 13 I decided to save my first kiss for my wedding day. And I did. My husband, came from a homeschooled/ conservative family and was raised with the exact opinion you have now and what I had then. We were three days into our honeymoon when the sexual abuse started. While our goals may be to protect our boys, going about it like this can and often does sexualize and objectifies women. Now I am NOT saying that all boys who are raised in this manner will become abusers or that modesty is wrong. But as I watched my husband live out what he was raised to believe about women, watched him blame women for his choices, I started seeing this string of lies that Satan has oh-so-cleverly weaved in an attempt to hold back the princess-warriors that God so carefully and wonderfully made and continue to grind us into nothing more than sexual objects.
My long held views started shifting…I learned that to be modest in the legalistic form of "don't tempt a brother to sin" would absolutely mean we wore shapeless head to foot coverings, because you know what? Each man is attracted to different things...feet, shoulders, midriff, hair, breasts, knees.... What's sexual in one culture isn't in another. We live in a very public, multi-cultural world. We are either completely racist to only dress in a way that won't tempt a certain people group while ignoring another, or hypocrites.
I learned that clothes don't make a girl, they don't define her. They don't sexualize or objectify her, and they certainly don't make a man abuse, grope, rape, or sexually harass her. We have spent so much time saying that they do, implying that a girl is at fault (often without intending to). What would happen if we write to mom's of boys...lets tell them how to learn the difference between "attraction" and "lust", that THEIR response is THEIR responsibility, that REGARDLESS of what a woman wears, its her INNER heart that matters most and STOP SEXUALIZING WOMEN IN THE NAME OF CHRIST. God made men to be sexually pleasing to their spouse AS MUCH as He made a woman to be sexually pleasing to theirs. I don't see girls out there with signs saying "put a shirt on you're tempting me!" or "wearing that tank top and showing off those muscles, you're just asking for a girl to fall into sin!" Why is that? What if we started teaching our boys from early on that a woman's body is precious, MADE IN THE IMAGE OF CHRIST, instead of telling them constantly its inherently sexual and shameful unless decently "covered"
You know what I wish these "letters to mom's with daughters" would be? I wish they would be an encouragement to help our daughters see themselves as Christ sees them. Holy. Dearly loved. Created in his image. Wanted. Accepted. Redeemed. Holy. Set apart. You know why? Because when we learn how to call out the greatness God has called us to in our fellow Sister's lives, we don't need modesty talks. Because at the heart of that verse? It’s to let your adornment come from your INNER WEALTH, not your outward appearance. Let’s address the HEART of the issue (letting it come from INSIDE us vs outward appearances) together as a Family in Christ instead of beating a dead horse repeatedly over the desired result. Let modesty start with the heart. Let it be a conviction between a girl and her God not a blame/shame game.
Mitzi,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the post! It was well said!
As a mom who adopted some of my children when they were 10 years old and older, I have had no control over what they were exposed to in the past. Trying to teach boys and girls how to dress and think and live as Jesus would have them is a hard task! We continue to pray for you as you are doing that in another culture! Parenting has only made me realize again how much I need Jesus' wisdom and patience, every minute of every day!
May God continue to bless you and your husband with his strength, wisdom and peace!
Amy
PS. Please keep blogging, too :-)
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