Monday, May 30, 2016

2 Weeks and NOT counting... What's next?

Some days I can believe it... I breathe in the dust of the road as I drive to school and think... "Will I forget what this feels like?" 

I bought talk time the other day and thought "Will this be the last time I need to buy talk time?"  (it's the minutes for a cell phone)

So many things I thinking, "is this the last?"  

Just today, one of our students said "How are you?" and I said "ok, but i could cry."  He grabbed his heart and said "Me too.  I want to cry too."  So we decided we would wait. Wait until next week. We glanced at each other and could even see the pain together.  

Yes, in 2 weeks we will wrap up life as we know it here.  When we will return? As soon as possible.  

But the main question is "What's next?" 

Here's the answer:  trying to survive.  No, i'm joking, kinda! 

Our family is a Lifesong Family.  They are our family.  We have never felt released from Lifesong.  My hubs will continue to work with Lifesong in the home office in IL.  We will remain on missionary support for at least the next year to 18 months.  If you would like to join our support team you can click here.  He will be helping to develop new projects and advocacy support.  

As for me?  Well, our family is under going some pretty huge transitions... shocker, I know.  I have a huge desire to be available for our kids and my husband while remaining involved with this so called amazing place... Zambia.   While I have some employment options available, currently I've already partnered with a pretty cool wellness company that promotes family health on a budget.  It will allow me to work from home if I so choose.  This will help the hubs some with finances, while allowing me the flexibility of being fully available for my family... and for volunteering in the areas of ministry I am passionate about while figuring out my new capacity level on the other side.  The best part is that part of the income that is generated will go directly to our ministry! #bonus I am super amazed at what a huge blessing and timing this has been for us. 

As for our kids?  Well, mixed emotions.  They are starting to see that it is coming SOONER than later... and even the littles are starting to show signs of grief.  At the same time, we try to focus on what we have in front of us, while being grateful for whatever is behind us.  sigh.  This lesson we could all learn over and over again. They are processing, and will be processing for a long time.

So... 2 weeks... we will get on a plane... and forge ahead into something new... different. 
 I've decided that THAT is the word i'll use.  it will be different.  
But I'll trust the process of grief that we are in... 
I'll trust the God of healing and good things... 
It will all be ok.  
We will be ok. 


Friday, May 20, 2016

How do I let go?

I'm laying here under my mosquito net... all quiet in the house... 
I star gaze through the space in my curtains. 

the barking dogs that once kept me awake and felt so unsettling are now like lullabies. 

How a place so strange becomes so ...YOU... I'll never know.

A weekend pass from boarding... that's what I asked for today.  I needed to be with them.  I need them.  Maybe more than they need me. How do I let go?  warm tears flow. 

Tonight one said "your boys have grown into men."  I looked around and saw that it was true. Once skinny, small frames with broken English (Engrish) Now tall, strong, intelligent, loving. 

This place... so written upon my heart... and it will remain. 
 Every sound, smell, laugh. 
I am a sponge, soaking in every last ounce of Zambian goodness... while deep inside I am wondering how in the world I shall ever let go. 

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord.  Be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord."  
Ps 27:13-14