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It's funny. After yesterday's post I thought, oh boy... I haven't come very far from the sounds of it.
But I started thinking, and reflecting about this journey in its entirety.
From the outside in, it might not look so bad. From my inside out, it seems like a rare breed of chaos and hope swirling around. Some days, one... some days the other.
I realized recently that I had allowed my emotional state to be ridden with what was actually sin.
self loathing....
inaccurate guilt
self pity
loss of joy for today
lack of thanksgiving
grumbling and complaining
isolation
irritation and frustration (not the table flippin' kind)
making excuses for my thoughts and emotions as if I had good reason
All of this. Sin.
What's interesting is this... since my post yesterday, I've had other women tell me they struggle with the same thought patterns BUT resulting from different circumstances. Oh you crafty little devil.
Our minds are powerful. I know this because I work with people on the mind-heart connection. That's why Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy even exists. Thoughts impact behavior. Thoughts impact emotions that impact behavior.
And so I've just left that to run wild for the sake of "processing" and in the name of "grief" ??
A sweet friend shared with me the lyrics to a song yesterday. Several phrases struck me, but this one:
"I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor."
Ok, ladies. Whatever our circumstances.... maybe it's moving across the country or world...
maybe its that opportunity that hasn't come...
or that child that just didn't ....
or the loss of someone that feels so unfair...
or the loss of yourself as you raise those babies at home...
or a body that doesn't work the way it once did...
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.
Again. Today. And again tomorrow. And the next day... and the next day... and the next...
It feels exhausting to wake up and find yourself BACK ON THE FLOOR! ha.
I can't speak for you. But for me, my thought life has kept me there.
It's time for me to confess them, catch them, and take them straight to truth.
We are in a battle.
We get to choose our weaponry.
I've stunk at that more days than not.
But Powerless should never be in us.
For me, its a direct result of choosing the wrong weapons.
In Deuteronomy 1, Moses was pointing to the Israelites that the journey through the wilderness was an 11 day journey. Ya'll. ELEVEN DAYS!!!!!!!!! And yet they wondered for FOURTY YEARS!!
Their mind and hearts were in bondage although free!!
Sound familiar?!?
Good Lawd! I don't want this to take 40 years!
"You have dwelt long enough on this mountain... Behold I have set a land before you; go and take possession of the land." Deuteronomy 1:6-8
He is saying "lift yourself up off the floor... get off the mountain...I've promised you a land to take, why are you still wondering around aimlessly up here?"
This verse gave me a quick kick in the behind.
I DO NOT want to be the one wallowing in my own miserable head for one more second.
The Battle is real.
But as I told my friend last night... It's on like Donkey Kong. Cause I'm tired of this powerless, exhausting, overwhelming, earth dwelling mindset.
So for today... this very morning... I'm lifting myself off the floor and throwing my belt of truth on... putting on my armor (against my OWN MIND)... and praying non-stop that moment by moment... today... I will live in His power to live in Freedom already given to me.
I dare you to move....
"Sadness discolors everything; it leaves all objects charmless; it involves future prospects in darkness; it deprives the soul of all its aspirations, enchains all its power and produces mental paralysis." - Streams in the Dessert
I've wanted to write 1,000 times. What to say? How to say it? Can I share it in such a way that it doesn't evoke pity but rather a stirring in one's own soul?
The past 18 months, I have wrestled in the pit, with enemy and with God. My mind has become a breeding ground for emotions that would rob God of all glory within me.
Deep grief has been at its root, with sadness- anger- and bitterness growing forth.
There were no words, no act of kindness, no provision that could overpower.
As I entertained these thoughts and emotions, my actions became less and less... well... like me, and certainly not like Christ.
"This isn't the way things were supposed to be."
"This isn't what was promised to me."
"No one cares, no one understands, get used to it. It is the way of this new life."
"I can't do this."
"Why is it so hard here in this land where dreams become a reality?" (sarcasm)
"How can I feel more fear and anxiety now than in Africa?"
Powerless. Once great love vibrant with color became colorless... no charm... nothing left to be desired.
"Why is He leaving me like this?"
"Why is there no space for me here?"
"Why do my kids have to struggle?"
And the questions continued to swirl in my mind and eventually became second nature.
I was angered over the injustices my eyes were watching.
I became infuriated at what seemed to be lost years never restored as promised... just leaving gaping holes and dreams staring you down on the other side of a barred window.
I was so acutely aware of every fault, every "not enough", that just getting out of bed seemed pointless. My very existence. Pointless.
Too much grief. Too much change. Too much loss. Too much loneliness.
I struggled to look in the mirror and not become overwhelmed with the thought of "What has happened to me? How did I get in this place?"
Some say I died inside the day we left Zambia. Many days I believed this.
When you lose what was never meant to become who you are, the process can be very ugly and painful.
Depression. Lost Vision. Anger.
That was me.
"Are you still in that place?" you may ask.
And my answer?
Yes. Some days. Some days I get lost in the anxiety of future things.
Some days I get exhausted and really lonely because life seems to be becoming LESS settled rather than more so.
I still get angry at what feels undone, out of reach, or honestly just TOO HARD.
I get tempted to have self pity. After all "Who has 7 kids, works full time, and has no family to help?"
Often I feel that it isn't fair that I had to return to a "new" place and go through my "worst" without life-long friends or family to remind me of who I truly am.
But I'm learning... again... for the 785,987,463 time:
I can choose to put my mind in a place that will allow my heart to follow. Some days are successful, some days aren't.
"You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind."
I confess I have been a person overwhelmed by the negative. It has stolen my souls aspirations. It has robbed me from joy. It has taken opportunities from me to bless others. It has placed a darkness over all things within my home.
I want to dream again.
I want to release guilt over not doing things "just right" or making this whole transition into a real mess.
I want to laugh... often and hard and a lot.
I want to steady my mind on Him. Have laser focus on what matters and let all else fall away.
I want forgiveness from those I love the most for dragging them through this emotional war.
I want to accept this "next place" and pour myself out for His glory.
I want thankfulness to be at the forefront of all I do.
(I'm just thankful that the "I want" phrase is there- Desire is half the battle)
So I'm hopeful that the coming year is better than the last. That somehow the messes I've made will be redeemed and I will see the "why me" for this journey.
"When you pass trough the waters, I will be with you; and the waves, they will not overcome you. When you walk through the fire; you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God." - Isaiah 43:2-3
