When you caught between 3 sleeping people... awake
Well, I've been trying to go back to sleep for the past 2 hours... and... I've given up. Being sandwiched between 3 sleeping people (2 small children with various interesting noises while sleeping mixed with the occasional punch in the face) has made me give up the hope of the sand man coming my way again tonight. *it's now 4:30 am. *
There are so many things floating through my head right now: Lifesong school: needed improvements, goals, curriculum, logistics in schedules, etc... to TEAMS: we have so many wonderful teams coming our way this "summer" to my kiddos. The heaviest is certainly my children.
You know, it's really easy to get wrapped up in everyone else's need and the urgency that it brings. However, at the end of the day... when I see my kids needs, that's what matters most to me.
Right now, I'm honestly struggling. Theres 100 reasons why, and I'm not even going to get into all the administrational/missional aspects. Most importantly are my children. I'm simply not sure.
I'm not sure about schooling.
While KG and E are doing pretty awesome, Z is really struggling. Not so much academically (because he is just 6 and in grade 1, reading pretty good, writing pretty well, and a whiz at math)... but rather emotionally. It's not because of his peers, but rather because of what I would call a "harsh" environment when it comes to discipline.
Can I just brag for a minute? Lifesong Teachers are amazing. While they are certainly not easy or soft when it comes to discipline, they do it with love and respect of a child's dignity. I LOVE that. I love that I can trust them not to emotionally damage a child because of the style of discipline or classroom management they choose to implement.
Z is my tender child. You might not pick that up immediately, because E is more "sensitive" but Z is more tender. KG is who she is. ;) Z simply does't do well in a harsh environment. It either makes him loose all confidence, or it makes him angry. Unless he is perfect in class *and he won't be*, he is going to be subject to some pretty harsh, shame based discipline. It's something we aren't used to. It goes against EVERYTHING I know is good for a child. ugh.
Words can't say how much I love my children. It's inconceivable unless you're a mother. I really want God to show me if my heart is wrong, or if I'm being to quick to judge. I need to know the right way. 2 out of 3 enjoy it there. 1 really DOESNT. Does he just need time? a period of adjustment? or is this harmful to him? will he just learn to "do the right thing or else?" ha. *SCREAM* But not only that... i just don't want him to think it's ok to laugh at... shame at... or look down on his peers in ANY way. Right now he really loves kids... his friends. He would rather be playing with the boys who have NOTHING than the ones who have lots. He doesn't consider himself different or better... or even know the concept of "looking down" on someone. I certainly don't want him to learn that at school.
prayers prayers prayer.
Our true hearts desire is to have a teacher who would teach our children 3-4 days a week and volunteer at Lifesong 1-2 days. I don't know if that is an American teacher or a Zambian teacher. So just pray that God would provide what He would have for us, in His timing. In the meanwhile, pray that God would speak SO CLEARLY to us. I know that we were to make this decision. I know God is moving or going to work through it... teaching us things as we go.
well... that's what you get when I can't sleep... ;)