Who's holding Who...

When I am at my worst... He is at his best

When I am weak.... He is strong

When I am nothing... He is everything

When I can't go another step...He is my strength

When I'm not in control...I can trust the one who spins the universe into order

Tomorrow I will walk with E into the Dr's office to be tested for CF. Obviously, this is not something we ever anticipated...and it very well may be something we NEVER have to worry about beyond tomorrow. For the most part, I have had a tremendous amount of peace. I have to share where this comes from. God has given me truly an amazing gift... if you know me, you've probably heard this before... but I have to share it more for a reminder tonight for myself. (BTW, know I'm not one who has "dreams" regularly as a sign of some spiritual significance... not that it isn't valid... it just doesn't happen to me... hardly ever)

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with Z, I was placed on bed rest due to significant bleeding. The Dr. prepared me that I could indeed loose the baby. I remember holding the bear we got him (he sleeps with him to this day) and crying myself to sleep. While asleep... I had a dream. (stick with me here people...)

I dreamed I was holding Z... he was wrapped in a baby blue blanket and I couldn't see his face. I could feel his little body laying in my arms. I looked around and was surrounded by clouds and fog... I started walking... and I came to the gates of heaven. At the gates, the most amazing figure ever stood there... He was kind, comforting, and so tender. It was Jesus. He stretched his arms out... not taking Z from me...but asking me without words to place Z in his arms. I could feel everything in me screaming inside... my heart rate was up... and I didn't want to let go... yet without a fight outwardly... I knew I could trust Jesus... and I placed Z in his arms and had to walk away. I still have a hard time talking about that dream... It was so painful. BY FAR it was the hardest thing I've been through emotionally as a mother. When I woke up, I just knew that was Jesus way of telling me I was going to have to let go of Z... that I would loose him... so I thought. However, over the next week... things improved... and obviously Z is quite great and healthy! I remember God speaking to my heart... "This is what you have to do... Leave Him with me... always... when he is born... when he starts to walk... when he goes to school... when he starts to drive... when he choses a mate... leave him in my arms and walk away."

So... that's where my peace comes from. I know that the most caring, compassionate, Savior holds E in HIS arms. HE loves E more than I do. He is the one who had every.single.day. planned of E's life before one came to be. HE is the one who has a plan to prosper and not to harm him. Now, I realize that doesn't necessarily mean E doesn't have CF. But it DOES mean that someone much greater than myself holds E... and will use that difficulty to bring greatness. I believe that he makes beauty from ashes... if I didn't... I could not go another day. Where would the hope be if not in Christ?

Pray for E tomorrow... pray for him to be negative.