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Behind the blog posts, FB status's, and emails... there's so much that goes on that never makes it to the pages for everyone to see. Most of the time that is due to the pace of life we keep. However, there has been one area of our life that I have kept private for a reason. It's not private if you visit, because you can see it for yourself. It's hard to write about something so emotionally charged, difficult, and especially when things are unclear. But... the smog is rising and God is moving. So... now's the time to write.
Most of you know our hearts for adoption. It walks hand in hand alongside our calling to orphan care. We walked away from our 2nd adoption process when we knew God was asking us to move to Zambia.
It wasn't long after arriving in Zambia, God began to place certain kids in our path that just "felt" different than the rest to me. But, after moving to a foreign country with so much need... one can't really trust their emotions. Over time, a boy named Ngosa, started to bond with our family. He was a single orphan, who at the time had not seen his mother in 5 years. His father was dead. His grandmother was seeking Lifesong to care for him as she was aging and becoming unable to do so. Over time, our family resumed care for Ngosa. As of now, he has been an unofficial part of our family for 10 months.
Ngosa is smart (in the top 4 in the class... and #7 over all grade 7s in our area). He's 14 years old... and one of the funniest kids I've ever met. We've been walking a road with him that has NOT been easy. But, we've seen a boy who was fearful, hoarding, and acting in every way to "self-preserve"... to a boy who is loving, thoughtful, helpful, and trusting. We haven't arrived, but we've come a LONG way.
In addition to Ngosa, about 5 months ago, a double orphan in our program began to once again bond with our family. Paul has floated from place to place after his parents died years ago. Paul is now with us, as well. He says he is 13, but his grandmother swears he can't be older than 11. (haha) He is such a tender boy, who is smart but has so much hurt in his life. We are still in what I would call a crucial/critical stage with him.
I've hesitated to even write this. Why? 1. Criticism. 2. Misunderstandings 3. Prevention of Friends and Family Freak out. 4. Our journey has been RAW and we haven't been in a place to share.
We NEVER set out to foster ANY children older than our own.
We FULLY understand the risks involved... and are taking appropriate precautions.
We KNOW this may not make ANY sense to many of you... financially, emotionally, and so on.
But what we can say is this... We know we are called to play a key role in their lives.
We see how they are responding to love, nurture, structure, and Godly discipline... and how God is making us... in some strange way... a family.
It has been one of the hardest years of our lives. But what we can say is the clouds are lifting... we feel like we have not only been adjusting to life in a new country, with so many responsibilities... but also walking through the difficulties of an older child adoption... without the perks of a celebrated, actual adoption.
For now, things are going well. We're finding our balance and God is answering prayers. What the future holds, we don't know, but we know that God is faithful and He loves us, our 3 littles, and the boys.
All I can say is that our house is full of laughter, homework, laundry, adventure, and funny smells. But we certainly have 5 of the best children in all of the world.
Many of you remember my post last month about Davison, and the death of his brother. If not, you can scroll 2 posts down.
Often times I think we can write and tell about the hard things, but not the joyful things. In Davison, I see healing, and I have to share it.
About 3 weeks ago, I sat with him at church. It just so happened that the speaker that day had just lost his father the night before. The sermon was about death, life after death, and how we can view death as Christians. It was really powerful to see Davison soak it all in and feel that this sermon was so applicable to where his heart was. And there he was... with that Bible... looking up every single scripture mentioned. We stood and then sang together "Blessed be the name of the Lord." It was a beautiful full time that we could worship Christ together.
About a week after that, the kids went to a local church camp. Leslie and I had to visit the camp to make arrangements for the days to come. When we got there, we walked in during prayer time. The entire building of youth were praying aloud. It was pretty powerful. The kids didn't know we were anyway around. So (instead of praying, yes, i stink) I surveyed the crowd to find our students and saw them pouring their hearts out to the Lord. And there it was... I saw Davison. He was praying so intensely... it looked as if Jesus was standing right in front of him and Davison was just telling him all that was in his heart... all his hurts... his grief... his requests... laid out right there before the Father.
I see his sorrow turning into healing.
and... I also see his sorrow turning into laughter.
"you have turned for me my morning into dancing...." Ps. 30:11
I've yet to learn to always keep my camera close. So... when I found these, I thought "well, it looks like Davison is enjoying himself... at least with my camera!"
(Davison is on the left... )
It's good to see sorrow turned to joy... HE does make beautiful things out of the dust....
There are some days I just sit and think "really? is this my life?" It's not negative, or positive... but more in a state of awe... ha.
Really? Did I just haul a casket, et al in my van?
Really? Did a 14 year old just kill a 4 ft cobra near my house?
Really? No hot water for a shower this WEEK?
Really? Did a dog just bite my pastor's daughter?
Really? You think I can dance like THAT?
Really? another dead rat stuck under the bathtub with no escape until it completely decays?
Really? has it been so long since I went shopping that picking out a light fixture finds me totally overwhelmed and incompetent?
Really? am i hours away from flying my daughter to South Africa for medical care because she has had malaria 6 TIMES IN 10 MONTHS?
Some days... yes. It's hard to believe this is the life I live. I feel like I should be relaxing by a pool somewhere... watching my kids swim and eat popsicles. I feel like I should be thinking about what movie to see next, or what the "back to school" fashion will be this Fall.
Regardless of what I THOUGHT I'd be doing... the truth is THIS is my life. And even in the midst of so many uncertain things... we can have JOY in THIS LIFE. MY life.
It's morning here, Saturday morning. As I sit and listen to the waking of noises, big and small, my fingers are stiff because it is so cold outside this morning. It's winter in Zambia.
Before today's needs steal yesterday from me, I have to sit and process, and pray.
First, you must know Davison. He's in grade 7 and 14 years old. Hard working, respectful, beautiful, loving, yet has a splash of strut. Here is pic of him with the crazy snake killed on the farm.
In March....
I visited his home for the first time. We were a few feet away and he stops me. He looks and says "My brother, I have a sick brother." I asked him to explain and he wasn't able to. He said "You will see." As we went into the home, I met Willy for the first time. I entered the dark, small house. It was there I saw him. Willy laid in the middle of the floor on a mattress, unable to move. He was paralyzed from the waist down. He had been like this since 2008, when he was diving in shallow water at the river. Now, he was 21 years old.
It was then I fully understood why Davison was always rushing home after school, or why he was working around his home so much.
I sat and talked with Willy, and it didn't take long to see that he was smart. He enjoyed to read and listen to the radio. Davison would also read to him, but Davison said "He reads better than I do!" So often, Willy read to Davison. We ended the visit with my promise to send him some books to read, as long as he would return them. And so, that's what we did.
2 weeks ago...
Davison was in my house, and he asked for a Bible. Litterally, the next day a team arrived and brought extra Bibles. There was one Bible that stood out to me, and was written for teenage boys. It was perfect! So, I gave Davison that Bible and he was very happy!!
6 days ago...
Davison once again found himself at my house, and we were washing dishes together. I asked if he was enjoying his Bible and he said "very much, it is very nice." I asked about Willy, and if he needed any new books. Davison said he was doing fine, and that they were reading the Bible together. "Willy reads it in Bemba, and then I read the same verse in English."
Conversation over.
2 nights ago...
Davison was sitting with Willy. Willy asked for some water because his heart was racing. Within minutes he died.
Yesterday...
I hear the news. I glance and see Davison lined up at school in the morning. I walk up to him and he cannot make eye contact. I say, "Davison, are you ok?" He shakes his head NO with eyes straight ahead. The tears begin. I take him by the arm and walk him to a quiet place. There, I sit and cry with him for a long time. There, I pray God's presence for his family, despite the lack of understanding "why"... and there, I prayed that Davison would be able to think about the day that Willy can RUN to him in heaven.. and there I prayed God's word would bring peace to Davison.
Davison leaves school and returns to his family.
2 hours later...
I find myself, 3 other staff, and 2 students walking up to Davison's home. The black burning in the street is evidence of the grief. People are everywhere. As we approach the door, Davison walks out, gets us and leads us inside the home. Mourners line the narrow, dirt hallway, and fill the room where Willy still remained on the mattress where I first met him. The crying of his mother and sister is almost more than I can bear. We sat, and we prayed, and we cried.
4 hours later...
I'm driving a van with Sheila and another staff to provide the transport to the burial, for the body. We pull up, and a box painted like marble casket exit the home. The men, grandmothers, mother, and sister enter the van with the body. To say that 10 minute drive was the longest of my life would be an understatement. Driving slow over every bumpy, narrow path in the compound... out into the bush. The rhythmic wailing increased as we approached the cemetery. My knuckles gripped the steering wheel as an alternative to completely breaking down emotionally.
In the middle of the bush were mounds and mounds of burials... the reminder that death is simply a part of every day life here. The funeral began, the wailing continued. I scanned the crowed for the boy my heart hurt the most for, Davison. I saw him, sitting on the far side of the burial ground... and it was there I saw him... with that Bible out, reading. The Bible I'd given him 2 weeks earlier. He was reading his Bible... the favorite pastime of him and Willy. My heart was so full of grief for him, and at the same time filled with gladness that He recognizes where peace comes from.
Before long, it was time to go... and Davison walks to us, and we put him in the van, with his other family. The grieving continued back to the home. Davison's face buried in his hands. As we arrive and I lift the back of the van open, I see their faces of grief. I help lift them up out of the van. They disappear into the house. We sit for a few minutes, say our goodbyes, and leave.
Now
Silence falls on my heart... yet the noise of life continues.
It has been quite a while since blogging... and now I realize that in good "blogging" practices I'm putting my "readership" at risk... ha. I have to be honest, sometimes I just have a hard time figuring out how to accurately share what we experience throughout even just one week day!
In the past 4 weeks, we have had 3 teams that have come and blessed us beyond belief! So many blessings have come our way and it has been a great time for us to be refueled by friends and church family. Next Friday, we host our biggest mission team yet... 19 people, including our head pastor and his family! (no pressure... haha) For the first time, I am on the other end of a mission trip...
As for the family... Since June 1st... I've had malaria, Shane's had a sinus infection, KG has an infection in her leg and she has had her 5th case of malaria! haha. (ok, come on... that's a great reason not to be blogging!) At the same token... we've been fishing, dug up some big ol' carrots in our garden, made cake pops (thanks to Holly Love), hung out in the compound for dinner, seen Victoria Falls and been on a safari with one of the groups! WHERE ARE THE PICTURES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!
I have to say, that while it seems in writing things have been chaotic, God's grace is so real and so full... While we are often "giving" of our time, money, love, etc... we are experiencing God's words in Luke 6:38 when he says "Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over." Our marriage is becoming stronger and stronger... Our children are adjusting and doing wonderfully in school (which is a blessing regardless of how we decide to move in the future)... we are learning to balance family and ministry... I do believe we are starting to FINALLY find our pace. (well, that only took a year... haha) And hopefully... I'll start pacing myself on blogging, too.
There are times that I could kick myself for not taking note of the things that happen in a day... not just "stuff" but the really special things that happen. Today... there were 4.
1. Today was uniform pick up day for the parents/caregivers for Lifesong students (pics to come... especially on Monday when they show up in their uniforms!) These days are always hard for some. Today, I got to be the "stand in" mom for 2 kiddos. 2 of the most amazing kids on the campus. It's such an honor for me to do that even though it seems like such a little thing.
2. Another kiddo who had recently had a death in the family came and spent some usual time at our house. He shared how traveling to a funeral, seeing his mother for the first time in 5 years was painful. He then shared how his mom would be traveling here to stay (in the compound) due to his step father dying. He's processing the fact that his mother has 5 children younger than himself... and why she hasn't cared for him for all these years. Jesus give me healing words.
3. An amazing conversation over dish washing... one that has been months in the making... one that only God could be orchestrating. (maybe more details to come another time) When love and true hearts desire is shared... it is good.
4. Last but certainly the one that makes my heart flutter... Z, before going to bed says "I want to be with you more than anything in the world." THAT, my friend, is why it's hard not to snuggle with the kid all night long. don't judge me.
All this in a 12 hour span.
Well, I've been trying to go back to sleep for the past 2 hours... and... I've given up. Being sandwiched between 3 sleeping people (2 small children with various interesting noises while sleeping mixed with the occasional punch in the face) has made me give up the hope of the sand man coming my way again tonight. *it's now 4:30 am. *
There are so many things floating through my head right now: Lifesong school: needed improvements, goals, curriculum, logistics in schedules, etc... to TEAMS: we have so many wonderful teams coming our way this "summer" to my kiddos. The heaviest is certainly my children.
You know, it's really easy to get wrapped up in everyone else's need and the urgency that it brings. However, at the end of the day... when I see my kids needs, that's what matters most to me.
Right now, I'm honestly struggling. Theres 100 reasons why, and I'm not even going to get into all the administrational/missional aspects. Most importantly are my children. I'm simply not sure. I'm not sure about schooling. While KG and E are doing pretty awesome, Z is really struggling. Not so much academically (because he is just 6 and in grade 1, reading pretty good, writing pretty well, and a whiz at math)... but rather emotionally. It's not because of his peers, but rather because of what I would call a "harsh" environment when it comes to discipline.
Can I just brag for a minute? Lifesong Teachers are amazing. While they are certainly not easy or soft when it comes to discipline, they do it with love and respect of a child's dignity. I LOVE that. I love that I can trust them not to emotionally damage a child because of the style of discipline or classroom management they choose to implement.
Z is my tender child. You might not pick that up immediately, because E is more "sensitive" but Z is more tender. KG is who she is. ;) Z simply does't do well in a harsh environment. It either makes him loose all confidence, or it makes him angry. Unless he is perfect in class *and he won't be*, he is going to be subject to some pretty harsh, shame based discipline. It's something we aren't used to. It goes against EVERYTHING I know is good for a child. ugh.
Words can't say how much I love my children. It's inconceivable unless you're a mother. I really want God to show me if my heart is wrong, or if I'm being to quick to judge. I need to know the right way. 2 out of 3 enjoy it there. 1 really DOESNT. Does he just need time? a period of adjustment? or is this harmful to him? will he just learn to "do the right thing or else?" ha. *SCREAM* But not only that... i just don't want him to think it's ok to laugh at... shame at... or look down on his peers in ANY way. Right now he really loves kids... his friends. He would rather be playing with the boys who have NOTHING than the ones who have lots. He doesn't consider himself different or better... or even know the concept of "looking down" on someone. I certainly don't want him to learn that at school.
prayers prayers prayer.
Our true hearts desire is to have a teacher who would teach our children 3-4 days a week and volunteer at Lifesong 1-2 days. I don't know if that is an American teacher or a Zambian teacher. So just pray that God would provide what He would have for us, in His timing. In the meanwhile, pray that God would speak SO CLEARLY to us. I know that we were to make this decision. I know God is moving or going to work through it... teaching us things as we go.
well... that's what you get when I can't sleep... ;)
