Zambia Reflections... Posts written in Zambia...

Blog posts for Zambia trip:

I’m sitting in traffic, as me and the Mr. drive our kiddos to meet my daddy to “hand off” the kids. We leave for Zambia in 48 hours. This past week has been pretty crazy, and somewhat distracting. Starting at the beginning of the week, E was dx with inactive TB. The next day some pretty amazing ministry opportunities unfolded before our eyes, and 2 days later we were confronted with the “are you sure you want to remain on hold” from the adoption agency. (that means they more than likely have a referral for us). Stress, grief, confusion. That’s where I’ve been this week. Grief over a child I may never hold, yet have dreamed about for over a year. (if you are wondering why we can’t “do both” click here). Stress for getting the details in order and feeling a little like I’m floating on my own. (which is know isn’t the case, but just an emotion). AND I’m theologically confused. Does God really care where we serve as long as we are serving? Is there a right or wrong answer? Has He equipped us better for one than the other? WHAT IS HE DOING? ARE WE CRAZY? All of the things came to a culmination last night around 2am. I’m always most vulnerable in the nighttime. Fear came flooding over me. “I don’t want to be across the world from my kids for a week.” “What if…” or “What if…” “I don’t want to do this anymore.” It’s like being all strapped in and ready to sky dive and once you step out onto the wing you say “Umm… I’ve changed my mind.” Fear and anxiety continued to build as I lay beside my sweet Z snuggled up next to me. “I don’t want to leave the comfort of this place. “ I just took this before the Lord… and He brought this verse to mind. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. AND THE PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING will guard your HEART and MIND in Christ Jesus. “ I literally quoted that a couple of times and drifted off to sleep peacefully. Today, He gave me this verse: “Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Gen 28:15 Now, I won’t say that there isn’t butterflies in my stomach. That I’m uncertain of what to expect, or that there isn’t a “rupture in my peace” throughout the day. However, I must keep my eyes locked onto Jesus eyes. Do not sink. Do not pay attention to the waves and madness around me. Do not take the bait Satan is casting my way. Eyes. On. Jesus. So for now… 42 hours left before we board a plane to Zambia… I’m drowning myself in the word… in prayer… tuning my ears and shutting my mouth… waiting to hear the voice of the Lord. What I know is that He desires for me to know Him. I will seek Him and the rest will follow.

Post 2:

It’s Sunday at 8pm… we have said our goodbyes to the kids, and are waiting on our flight to board. We are ON OUR WAY TO ZAMBIA! I have to say that currently, I am at peace. We skyped with the kids here at the airport… and they are having a BLAST with my parents on the “farm.” It’s just a great place and such a gift to see them have such fun and for us to be blessed with such amazing parents. It’s so weird for me not to be able to process on the blog. That is why I’ve blogged… not for you, the reader, but for me… for our family. Writing is a process that helps me “process” things emotionally. So I feel a little deceptive not blogging on “real time” and being all elusive.

Ultimately, in 32 hours We will land our feet on Zambian soil for the first time. What will it be like? Are we crazy for thinking about moving to a country we have never been to before? What is God going to do? (because I KNOW HE WILL do something!) My heart feels focused and ready. I’m going to let go of the distractions of the past week… of the possibilities and options and frantic fear of “not being in God’s will” and I’m going to cleanse my heart and mind of those things. I’m envisioning me, my hubby, and the Trinity on this trip. I’m going to walk with the Holy Spirit each day, enjoying this journey and I’m going to STOP trying to figure out what my mind will never know. Rather, I’m going to listen for His voice… I know He wants to be known. He loves me. He knows my heart wants to do WHATEVER He wants. I will rest and walk with Him…. Trusting He will speak in His timing and I will be ready to listen. My heart is quieting and I am eager to see what God does this next week. London here we come… then to Jo-Burg… then Zambia. Ahh, yeah!

Post #3: Wednesday, April 14^th

Well, we have been in Zambia for 2 full days now. Jet lag is leaving, and sleep was great last night. I’m getting used to the mosquito net, barking dogs, and time change. The first night and am I woke up, I wanted to go home. I missed my kiddos so badly, and hate being away. However, I have prayed God would give me a peace so that I would not be distracted, and the anxiety is gone. GONE. I am not scared being here. I’m not consumed with crazy thoughts about black mumbas or malaria. It’s beautiful. The kids are amazing… not perfect.. but amazing. I can certainly see our life here. Yesterday we ran errands with David. He has quite the work cut out for him. We bought food, went to the grocery store (Its actually nice) , and did some other things. This area seems like a nice place to be when it comes to people, etc. Today, I became “Auntie Mitzi” … it was kinda nice, I have to say. The boys have David and Luke to pour into them, but the girls are craving that same attention. It was nice today to let them just play with my hair, and talk… it’s what girls do no matter where you are from! I also got to play “Miss Mary Mac…” remember that one? I broke up one fight, and also consoled a couple of kiddos today. There is so much potential in these children, and in this program that it is exciting to be a part of. I have to be honest, I have prayed that we would be able to leave the madness of home behind and just be able to focus on “Is God calling us to Zambia?” I believe the answer is Yes. While we want to hold back, not be emotional about the decision, We both can see our lives here. Our children’s lives here. It will be SO different, SO HARD, SO MUCH CHANGE. I know there will be times that I just want to “go home.” Fear and grief is what keeps us held. Caution, loyalty, etc. BUT none of those things are being confirmed from God. God has said “wait” in the past, and I don’t sense that here and now. We shall see. (*and of course, now we know… because one week after this post, we confirmed and put our final “Yes” on the table.)

*I have so many stories to tell, and I will tell them in the coming weeks... so many things that I couldn't possibly post it all... I just want to say again... that tonight, as I'm "pricing" the stuff in my house to sell tomorrow... and starting that shedding process of what is comfortable and "known", I focus on 2 things... Jesus and those children. Love them both deeply. It's worth letting go of my "stuff."